


Falling Down, Down, Down

by BurningSwan



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abuse, Also i have added on to previous chapters a bit, Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, Confused Izaya, Contradictory Behavior, Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Enemies, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Izaya suffering, I’m so mean to Izaya, Jealousy, Language, Lovers To Enemies, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Possibly Unrequited Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Shizuo, Repressed Memories, Sad, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Shizuo is v frustrating in this at times, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Temporary Amnesia, Unreliable Narrator, its a vicious cycle tbh, izaya is still really confused, messed up relationships, nothing major but i was making them a little longer so they had more substance, poor Shizuo, possible self-harm, questionable relationships, shizuo’s an idiot, so is shinra
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-01-19 12:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 36,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12410190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningSwan/pseuds/BurningSwan
Summary: It's one thing to have a whole wealth of information at your fingertips, and a whole other matter to have that taken away from you. After being abducted not just once, Izaya now has trouble remembering things he used to know and feels out-of-place and unadapted. With the help of a supposed friend and doctor, as well as his roomate, a dullahan named Celty, Izaya works to get better, but he feels like there is something, or rather, someone missing, even though he doesn't know who. Things don't go as planned when the two met again, considering one of them only has hazy memories. Will the three- Celty, Shinra, and one other- be able to help Izaya rediscover and rebuild himself?Or, after several traumatic events, Izaya’s mind is fuzzy and he loses most of his memories, suffering panic attacks and mental breakdowns due to stress. A mysterious man saves him and he ends up in the care of a doctor named Shinra. Izaya can’t help but feel the man who ‘saved’ him is the last piece he needs to solve the puzzle, but what will he do when he meets him and what will he do if he doesn’t remember?{On temporary hiatus}





	1. Fall

**Author's Note:**

> I should stop making Izaya suffer so much. 
> 
> I swear this will have a happy ending and will be Shizaya and nothing else, once the angst is gotten past.
> 
> Also, I know I should work on my other stories rather than a new one, but I wanted to write and I thought that I could use what I wrote for a Shizaya fic, so here this is. 
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_The pain throbs through his head with a sharp ache, like a constant pounding not unlike a severe headache. Mercilessly, his head is slammed against the cold metal again, and again, and again. A trickle of blood lazily trails down his forehead, down his cheek, and slides off his chin to fall innocently on the ground as a stain of the crime._

_He can't even struggle with the pain aching in his skull distracting him as he tries to think of how to make the next blow less painful, less damaging. The grip tightens on his hair, forces him to smash his head in repeatedly and seemingly without stop. His feet start to slip out from under him as he can no longer hold himself up._

_The grip slackens and the metal glints at him invitingly as his head bangs against it for the umpteenth time. The metal's cold, unforgiving touches are relentless just like the agony assaulting his skull. After a few more times, his vision fails him and he slips away despite himself, finally escaping the cruel grasp holding him up and abusing him._

_Darkness had never been more welcome._

__———_ _

__Maybe it was the subtlest hitch of breath that gave it away. The breathy gasp of pain as he leans over for support from the nearby wall, the only thing grounding him to reality and holding him up. His eyes water against his will as his chest constricts in around his heart, crushing in on itself, self-destructively. It’s acute at the same time it burns everywhere, like his cool skin has been seared in hell-kissed flames that devour greedily everything in their path. One hand rests on his support while the other droops limply at his side, itching to reach out for help, but even in this situation he finds himself unable to swallow his pride and ask for help. It’s not like anyone would come help him anyways— a part of him doesn’t fully buy into that but the pain is mind-numbing and he can hardly think straight. His mind is swirling around in chaos.__

__The tears start to sting as they flow more freely as his self-control slips away because the pain is becoming unbearable. He starts to sink to the floor, choking on his own breath as his throat closes tightly in a suffocating agony. He doesn’t know what’s happening; his vision blurs and his heart pounds in his ears incessantly. His legs give out finally, weak from emotional and physical stress built up over weeks- even months- of torturous agony as he bites his tongue every time his heart betrays him when he sees his hated enemy. Every time he sees Shizuo prancing around Ikebukuro, unconcerned about the hell he has been going through.__

__He can’t cry out anymore, even if he wanted to, his voice hoarse from crying and screaming silently, enduring the agony all alone. He can’t think straight because his mind is blank as the pain becomes all he notices and can think about- just how much it fucking hurts. Blood flows freely down his scarred wrist, blotting out ink of scattered papers littering the floor, knocked down in his earlier fit of panic and anger and humiliation, and staining his clothes as a reminder of his suffering. He vaguely thinks that even when the blood is washed out, the pain will never go away.__

__He licks his chapped lips, sobbing now- completely unable to control his body’s natural reactions to the stress overload. His hand shakes numbly at his side, flinching at the warm, sticky ooze of blood trickling down his arm, his wrist and to the floor in droopy puddles of crimson death. His eyes sink to the depths of his own blood, grossly fascinated by his own injury while still shaking from emotions he can no longer name. He doesn’t know the time or what day it is- or how long he’s been like this- and doesn’t even think to care. Time ticks by eerily slowly in the quiet calm only disrupted by his own fucking insanity. He can’t think straight, and he might as well not be able to think at all.__

__Was he waiting for something? Had he been waiting for someone? What was he doing before all of this happened? How had he lived before this? What did he think about? What did he care about?_ _

__He couldn’t even think of an answer, was unable to as everything darkened around the edges- dark, shadowy grays creeping along the sides of his vision. His heart slows and his breathing evens out and it’s fucking blissful peace after going through hell and back. He can breath in the cool air into his failing lungs and live a little longer…_ _

__He smacks his head to the ground, blood clinging to his forehead, to his hair. His legs feel numb, throbbing with a dull pain as his arms hang heavy like lead from his shoulder sockets. His heart rams against his chest in a fucking frenzy and his lungs flutter rapidly to bring in another gasp of burning cold air that freezes his chest and lungs like a winter storm ripping through. His breaths are quick and rapid- irregular and desperate, painful and always so, so cold. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t fucking breathe-_ _

_Oh._

__The door flies of its hinges, crashes with a angry thud somewhere over his shoulder surely, had he bothered to glance over at the sight and sound of a flying door. Angry, impassioned footfalls skimming over the floor, coming closer…_ _

__Someone scoops him up in their arms, burying their face in his hair and their voice cracks with pure anguish._ _

__“Oh, Izaya, what have you done?” Bitter regret saturates the voice like a sponge absorbs water.The owner of the voice is warm against the coolness of Izaya’s skin, but he’s not even thinking about that. Is the voice familiar? He has to wonder as he is cradled gently in a warm and careful embrace- strong arms, but he was still held with such tender care._ _

__A familiar soothing scent that makes him dizzy. Gentle touches checking him over for injuries...It all seems familiar. Like this has happened before- even over and over again. Has it? He wonders, allowing himself to be limp in the arms that hold him, feeling safe and calm and empty. His tears stop as his breathing steadies again. His heart rate slows to normal and his chest expands so that it no longer crushes his body painfully. A strange calm wraps around him and his c__ onsciousness slips away as his body relaxes and his mind goes silent.

———

He wakes up in a warm bed, soft cushions strewn about him and layers of comfy sheets curled around him like a careful cocoon. Someone must be behind it, must have carefully arranged each of the feather soft sheets and the plush pillows neatly set up around him. The thought causes his chest to warm a little, because it meant somehow had cared.  The familiar soothing scent floats in the air, carried to him by a gentle draft that causes goosebumps to rise on his skin when he sits up and the sheets unravel from around him. 

Along with the first smell, the scent of cooking food tickles his nose, alerting him to a gnawing hunger he hadn't noticed before. 

When was the last time he had eaten anything?

He can't remember, and he's not sure if that meant it had been a long time, or whether he had just forgotten because of the excruciating pain he had been in. 

He does remember that, when a blonde woman walks in, smiling gently when she sees he's awake, she is not the one he was expecting. Not the one who carried him here or rescued him from himself. That he knows with such an absolute certainty, he can’t even bring himself to question. He doesn’t even entertain the thought of questioning it. He just knows, so he just accepts it as it is. This isn’t the person he was waiting for.

He then remembers who the blonde woman is and a rush of feelings, including a stab of unjustifiable anger, hit him, leaving him mentally staggering and so he doesn't even realize the woman was speaking until he tunes back into the world.

"...and made you breakfast." The woman finishes and he stares at her blankly, having no idea what she had been telling him. She blinks and sighs. One thing for sure is that she catches on quick, he notes, as the woman launches into her explanation for the second time.

"—————— is the one who brought you here," she begins patiently, but the name she says is cut out because his mind is spinning and churning and he can't think straight. "He found you and knew you were in a bad situation, so he brought you here and made you breakfast. He also called...——————, who should be here soon if I'm not mistaken."

All he does is nod numbly, forcing a natural-looking smile to disguise just how unstable he still is, reeling from everything and nothing. He has no idea what’s going on and he’s not sure if he likes it, he feels disoriented, almost like he woke up in a body that’s not his. But he did wake up in a house that’s not his, though it doesn’t leave him with the same level of strangeness that the fuzziness in his brain does. He just wants to go back to sleep. If he sleeps, then he doesn’t have to think about anything, doesn’t have to worry about what the day will bring or what he will have to face in this new situation he’s not prepared for because he’s so clueless and confused. He just wants to sleep, honestly. That’s it.  _He's so tired._


	2. Drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya ends up at Shinra’s, but he doesn’t know how he got there...

_The first time the water rushes past his face, smothering him and filling his lungs through his panicked and gasping breaths while his head is forced underwater, pure fear bolts through him like an electric shock. He trembles and thrashes in a futile struggle because he is too human, too weak. The water makes his lungs feel heavy and he tries to splutter out the liquid but is unable to whilst completely surrounded by it. He wants to cry as panic seizes his body and his thrashing becomes more desperate and when finally, his head surfaces, he gasps deeply, desperately choking in air while he has the chance because this is far from over._

_He hears a few sneers, feels a few jabs at his bruised back and ribs as the gang members ridicule him._

_Humiliation. Anger. Panic. Fear._

_His head is shoved down again after a few taunts and demands, and when he replies unfavorably, the process repeats._

_Air escapes in rapid bubbles from his agape mouth and he screams at the air to come back as instead water rushes in again, painfully assaulting his lungs  as he is unable to breathe anything else. His eyes open and close rapidly as his body tries to find a way to reach the air again. His mind feel dizzy and hazy and he knows he has been under longer this time as he stops resisting so strongly, just floating up and down, up and down in the too-warm water that flows around him lazily, licking at his lips for invitation to insure his death by drowning._

_His vision darkens and fades rapidly to black as he feels himself yanked out of the water yet again, though more forcefully than before..._

__———_ _

__His eyes snap open to an unfamiliar room, again. A wave of nervousness washes over him. He is hooked up to various medical equipment he doesn’t necessarily recognize, and his arms are bandaged. His eyes scan the room nervously, but there is no one around.__ __Though, that doesn't last for long._ _ __The door opens and a bespectacled brunette man enters, seeming distracted and appearing to be in the middle of talking to someone on the phone. He eyes the man warily, unsure whether this man is trustworthy._ _

__"Yes, he's here. He's fine- well, he will be. Stop worrying. I will handle it. You have to tell me what's going on later though, okay? Bye." He looks over to Izaya when he hangs up, eyes a little misty and somber. Izaya stares at the brunette in silence, waiting for the newcomer to speak first, to maybe get an idea of what’s going on and where he is and who this man is.__

__"How are you feeling, Izaya?" The man queries._ _

__He's slow to answer, processing everything methodically in his head. The man appears around his age, seems to be some sort of medical practitioner, and seems to know who he is. He’s wary when he looks the man over a few times, still on edge because there is something nagging at the back of his head, screaming at him that somehow this...this feeling is familiar and it’s not good. It only serves to increase his anxiety.__

__"Do I...Do I know you?" He asks instead of answering.__ __The other man stiffens, looking faintly shocked and...mildly suspicious._ _

__"Are you pulling my leg because of what happened last time?" He inquires, arching a brow in question._ _

__Izaya shakes his head slowly, and the other man seems to become more uncomfortable. He genuinely has no idea what the other could mean by ‘what happened last time’, but he doesn’t dwell on it, carefully waiting for the other to answer his question. His eyes study the doctor as he takes in a breath before replying.__

__"I'm...Shinra, remember? We went to high school together, we're friends..." he trails off quietly, noticing Izaya's lack of recognition or reaction at all to his words. He looks a little hurt, but looks more worried and resigned.__

__"What do you remember?" The doctor finally asks, with a sigh._ _

__Izaya blinks, again a little slow to answer, very careful with his words as he tries to recall all that he can. It’s a little painful, and it hurts. He doesn't like thinking about it, but if this...Shinra really is a doctor of some kind, maybe he can be of some help.__

__"I- Well, I was somewhere else...Maybe my apartment...I was having trouble breathing and stuff, someone came eventually and picked me up. They brought me to some house, and when I woke up, there was breakfast and a blonde woman there. I ate there and then...I blacked out a while later, I think, and woke up here."_ _

__The man called Shinra looks at him seriously, seeming to consider what he said._ _

__"Do you know how much time has passed since you were at the house with the blonde woman?" Shinra asks.__ __Izaya paused to think, before he shook his head._ _

__"Maybe a few hours?" He guesses. He’s almost certain it couldn’t have been that long, there’s no way he could have been unconscious for very long, it’s just not reasonable and Izaya is nothing if not reasonable.__

__The doctor looks at him with concern._ _

__"That was more than a week ago, Izaya." He states._ _

__Izaya tilts his head, the information originally not registering._ _

__When it sinks in, his head starts to ache as though he were experiencing a hangover after drinking too much the night before. His chest tightens at the same time, and there’s a pervasive feeling of discomfort settling on his shoulders and making him want to sink into the ground and disappear into nothingness. He feels sick all over again.__

__"What? How can that be?" He says aloud, turning to stare at the doctor who seemed to hold all his missing answers._ _

__"Do you know where you have been in that week time frame?"_ _

__Another negative response._ _

__The doctor sighs again, looking even more exhausted.__

__"Should have expected that," he mutters, mostly to himself. "What do you remember from before you were having trouble breathing at your apartment?"_ _

__"My name is Orihara Izaya...I..." he faltered when everything he was going to say escaped him like dust being blown away by the wind. He knew that he had been going to say something, knew that he had been able to list normal details about himself but in the next moment, he couldn't remember any of it, it was just gone. Just like that. It hurts.__

__He felt his chest tighten and instantly fear shot through him like an adrenaline rush and he couldn't sit still._ _

__"Izaya?" Shinra calls out, concerned, drawing Izaya's attention to the doctor. Izaya’s not sure how long he was quiet, he’s not sure how much time passed before Shinra said anything and the thought scares him terribly. He hates this. He has no sense of time, close to no memories, and he's in pain.__

__He shakes his head miserably, wanting to curl up and cry._ _

__"I- I can no longer remember. I had it one moment, but the next..." He trails off, looking down at his bandaged arms, which only makes things worse because he remembers the panic and fear and hurt but he can't remember when or how or where or why he got these injuries, but they are there. Tears prickle his eyes against his will and he refuses to look at Shinra because he doesn’t want the man to see. He’s so sick of crying.__

__Another sigh from the doctor. How many had it been? Izaya was sure the doctor didn’t know either.__

__"This isn't good. So you don't remember anything before being in your apartment, after you blacked out at the house with the blonde woman, or anything aside from your name?"_ _

__A shaky nod._ _

__"Basically, yes. I don't...One moment I'll remember something and the next I'll forget it. One second, I know something, and the next I've forgotten what it was that I knew."_ _

__"So for a particular moment, you have certain memories you don't forget and ones that you only remember in a particular moment?" Shinra clarifies._ _

__Another nod, less shaky and hesitant than the last._ _

__"Hey, Shinra...The man who saved me...Who is he to me?"_ _

__Shinra startled at the question._ _

__"Oh, well. I don't know how to put it. I feel like it'd be wrong for me to describe your relationship. It's...not easy to put into words."_ _

__Izaya's mouth opened to form a soft 'oh' and the answer unsettles him, sinking in his gut because he believes that Shinra's words cannot mean anything good._ _

__Did the man hate him? Despise him? Dislike him? Want him dead? Want to kill him? Or was it just that their relationship was hard to define- especially by others?_ _

__Izaya didn't know the answers to his questions, and probably wouldn't get any unless he met the man who had seemed- been, perhaps, since Shinra's reply seemed to imply they knew each other at least somewhat- familiar._ _

__An unsettling despair creeps in, shaking him and he feels the first signs creep in along with it._ _

__The air becomes cold and crisp, chilling his lungs relentlessly. His throat closes and his eyes water and sting more and more and he feels like he's choking, even when he's not._ _

__Fear seizes him and panic sets in, rising in his chest rapidly, setting his heart beating madly as his body becomes unresponsive to his mental commands._ _

__Shinra seems to notice something is wrong._ _

__"Hey, Izaya. Izaya!" The man comes over, shaking his shoulder only to realize just how badly he is trembling._ _

__Tremors wrack his body as his nerves are set ablaze with a fierce intensity like searing heat. Tears splash down his cheeks pitifully and he can't control himself to hold back his sobs._ _

__He sobs uncontrollably, unconsciously clinging to Shinra for some kind of comfort, though he finds no respite in this situation._ _

__Shinra tries to calm him, tries to distract him but nothing seems to help._ _

__One person was able to do it before, he thinks as tears fill his eyes again and dousing cold misery sets root in his chest, but he doesn't know who or where that person is.__ He wants to find that person, but he's not sure if he can at the moment. He's too weak, too scared, too hurt.


	3. Beat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After staying at Shinra’s for a while, Izaya thinks he is starting to finally remember some things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post! I would have posted yesterday, but I ended up not having time to work on because I was busy and tired.
> 
> Also the next chapter will finally reveal some things~
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_It's never been this bad. His body trembles as his arms are pinned behind his back, dark bruises blossoming across his exposed skin from where they had beat him. He can barely stand as his body continues to shake uncontrollably, and with the next hit, he thinks he hears a rib crack._

_The dull gasp of pain does not fully describe the electrifying pain that shoots through his body with terrifying ferocity. He holds back the tears watering in his eyes, keeps up the condescending smirk because he won't let them win, not even in this situation where he is clearly at the disadvantage._

_Nor would he ever admit to hoping for someone to save him._

_When the next hit comes, the man holding his arms behind him releases the limbs so that when Izaya feels the impact, he falls over, unable to stand on his own. He keels over, holding his stomach, breathing heavily._

_The derisive laughs echo in the room, ringing in his ears with a taunting echo._

_Why were they doing this?_

_Why were they doing this?_

_Did he know them?_

_It hurts._

_One hit to the back of his head, and darkness overtakes his worn out body._

__———_ _

__He's been at Shinra's for a few days now and he hasn't  moved much from the room he woke up in. But today, today will be different. So he decides to walk around for a bit. He’s so sick of sitting in that room doing nothing, hates it especially when the fear strikes randomly and it’s unexplainable, but the next thing he knows he’s shaking and crying and he hates it so, so much. But he’s so unable to control it and it becomes more and more frustrating every time. He wonders when it will end, or if it ever will. It's a spiral of dark thoughts that he can never seem to get away from, even when he consciously makes an effort to forget about them.__

__He makes up his mind to leave the room when Shinra goes out, so when he sees the doctor finally step out, he creeps out of the room, planning to wander around just a bit to stretch his legs after so long. It’s nice, he thinks, when he presses the weight of his body onto his feet, when he shifts his weight until he’s standing and the ground is firm beneath his feet, and when he steps forward, there’s no hesitation or trembling uncertainty in the movement. It feels nice just stepping out of that room. It feels freeing, like he is finally taking a step forward, not just literally, but figuratively.__

__He did not expect the doctor to still be around, and much less talking to someone on his phone for that matter. But the doctor was there, in the living room, with a phone to his ear and his back towards Izaya.__

__He hides behind the wall to listen, not wanting to be seen. He’s not sure why, but he just thinks that maybe the doctor wouldn’t want him to hear the conversation if he saw him. He’s not sure why he decides to eavesdrop either, but it’s a little too late to go back into the room when that would mean Shinra would either see and/or hear him return. He strains his ears to make out what Shinra is saying and is able to pick up on the conversation from where he is.__

__"...much. Shouldn't you come see him? I think he would like that. You know-" Shinra pauses, likely having been cut off by whomever he was talking to, perhaps the same person as from the other day._ _

__"I get it, but...Don't you think you're overreacting? It's not your...It could just be even for a short while, a minute or two. It could help with his memory." Shinra sighs, sounding a little worn out. It was likely he had been trying to convince the other of something for a while and was getting tired of it. The poor man seemed to sigh a lot, Izaya noticed, and he feels a little bad for the doctor. He knows his whole situation is probably not exactly helping.__

__Izaya tries to make sense of what he heard. It sounded like Shinra was inviting someone to come visit him...or something? He starts to creep back to "his" room._ _

__"Thank you. Bye." The doctor hangs up and a while after Izaya sat on the bed, he walked into the room._ _

__"How are you feeling, Izaya?" The doctor asks, checking a few things in the room, not even glancing at him. He seems distracted.__

__"Better, in some ways, I guess." He answers. The one good thing aside from the fact that his arms were healing was he had the...panic attacks, he supposed was what they were, less often now than the previous few days and likely less often than he had had prior to being brought to Shinra's (or was he brought here?). His memory is still very hazy, but he has remembered some small things over the days, and for once he doesn't forget them._ _

__"Well, that's good." The doctor hums as he wraps new bandages around Izaya's arms, tossing the old ones away._ _

__He thinks he kind of remembers Shinra, though he hasn't specifically told the doctor this._ _

__"Will I ever meet the person who got me away from...wherever I was?" He asked, looking at Shinra.__

__The doctor paused what he was doing to glance at him seriously._ _

__"He...He'll come eventually. Things have been...very difficult for him." The doctor avoided eye contact with Izaya as he answered, and instead focused on his task._ _

__Izaya wasn't sure what that meant, but again he got a bad feeling._ _

__But why? If the man, in some sense of the word, had saved him, why did it seem like they hadn't gotten along?_ _ He couldn’t understand, the  _ _man had been so gentle and careful- if they didn't actually get along, why had he? Why had he come in the first place? Or was it just a coincidence and upon seeing his condition, he couldn't just leave him there like that?_ _

__Silence fell over them as Shinra finished dressing his wounds and checking his condition. The doctor frowned, but only for a split second before he hid it behind an impassive mask._ _

__Now that Izaya thought about it, something had definitely happened in the in-between time of having breakfast at the place with the blonde woman- he now remembered her name to be Vorona or something like that- to waking up at Shinra's. The dead giveaway was the bruises on his body that had for sure not been there before he woke up at Shinra's. He traced the dark discoloration still marring his light skin with a feather light touch, eyes dark and considering.__

__Honestly, it was all just so damn confusing. He had hardly anything to work with, and Shinra didn't talk about much other than his condition. There’s probably a reason for that, but Izaya can’t know if it’s a good or bad reason when he doesn’t know what it is. He wishes he had more to go off of, but his mind is still so hazy but-__

__Isn't there something- maybe someone?- missing?_ _

__The thought vaguely crosses his mind, and as soon as it does, his mind lights up with an answer.__

__"Celty! Where's Celty?" He breathes out before he even realizes he has spoken aloud._ _

__Shinra looks at him as soon as he exclaims Celty's name, a look of slight relief, mixed with reservation and surprise, crossing his face. He looks pretty excited, Izaya decides. Like a little kid who just got promised candy.__

__"So you remember her? What about her?" Shinra's eyes light up with curiosity, a gleam of hope to help Izaya finally have some concrete memories and not vague wisps that told him nothing._ _

__"I've asked her to do jobs for me, or something? And she lives with you...Doesn't she?" Izaya answered a little uncertainly.__

__Shinra nodded cheerfully. Izaya had never seen the doctor look this happy, at least not that he remembered, and he didn’t think he had seen the doctor once smile so enthusiasticly the whole time he had been there. Izaya just felt reassured by the notion that he had correctly remembered something, and for once, the memories were concrete and didn’t slip away from him once they came back.__

__"Yes! Yes, she lives with me. You haven't seen her because she has been going out a lot. You even made her worry about you. She's currently looking into something delicate and convoluted, so she hadn't been around a lot." Shinra explained, smiling cheerily, his mood improved by the small progress and talking about Celty._ _

__"Oh..." Shinra's babbling was a little much to absorb, so Izaya took his time processing it._ _

_'You even made her worry about you.'_

__Surely, that had to mean something, and along with everything else, it made his chest tighten with inexplicable fear. The words stuck is his mind, repeating over and over like a mantra, and made him feel sick to his stomach from the anxiety the words fed into.__

__Perhaps his only comfort was the notion that he would finally get to meet that elusive man and would maybe be able to solve more of the puzzle in his mind. He really hoped that something good would end up coming out of the meeting, at least. But he would have to wait and see what came of it, for now he could only flounder for answers, could only try to put himself back together after being so beaten.__ His recovery was far from complete, it was still just out of his reach. But if there was anything he could hope for, it was that this encounter would truly push him forward, back into the life had known, but now couldn't remember. 


	4. Save

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into the past to maybe yield some much awaited answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of this chapter makes me sad and the next chapter doesn't help. Prepare for a feels trip...
> 
> Hopefully this does actually accomplish its intended purpose of providing some context.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> ~BurningSwan

Shizuo still remembers it clearly like it had just happened, and in a way it had. It was still affecting Izaya, and it was Shizuo's fault.

_About two months ago-_

_Izaya had been gone for a suspiciously long while and Shizuo knew in his gut something was wrong. Very fucking wrong. Even if they had been fighting, there was no way Izaya would just up and disappear like this. It wasn't like him. At first, he had just ignored the nagging feeling, but after a while, he turned to Shinra and Celty. He couldn’t continue ignoring it because he knew something was off. Something was wrong and he hadn’t been doing anything about it._

_The news he received was of no comfort, making his heart sink and his stomach twist. Izaya had been taken away- kidnapped- and it had taken him this long to care enough to confirm his suspicions. Who knows what awful things could have happened to Izaya during the time he was gone? It made him sick just to think about it, especially knowing how many enemies Izaya had made over the years with his unsavory choice of career. He had noticed something even before Izaya disappeared. He knew something had been wrong, yet he'd pretended not to notice, perhaps because he thought Izaya wouldn't want him butting in (or he had too many reservations about getting caught up in something that involved the flea). They had just been fighting shortly before he even noticed Izaya was gone. Maybe that was why it had taken him so long._

_When he realized just how bad things were, after Izaya had been gone too long, he knew he couldn't wait any longer because he had already waited too long, and if he had just done something in the first place, this never would have happened._

_After he burst through the door, everything else was a blur, because Izaya was right fucking there and it was all so wrong. His eyes could only focus on the sight of Izaya, everything else was a dark blur of shapes and colors and he felt like he’d been robbed of the air in his lungs. He didn't want to accept what he saw, his heart twisting in his chest because there was Izaya, bleeding and bruised and sitting on the ground, staring vacantly at the floor, ignorant of everything around him. When he finally reaches Izaya's side, the man doesn't even look up, drawing shapeless figures on the concrete floor with what was likely his own blood. Shizuo felt sick seeing all the blood, felt sick seeing Izaya like this._

_"Izaya, it's time to leave." He rasped out, trying to keep his voice steady with only some degree of success._

_Izaya pauses, stiffens a little, but doesn't look up still. In truth, there's a raw anger simmering beneath Izaya's skin, buried under all the hurt he felt after what he had endured before Shizuo had finally come. He didn't want to look at Shizuo._

_"Where are we going?" Izaya asked, his voice a little sharp with bitterness and Shizuo has to refrain from wincing at the other's tone. It's clear as day that Izaya is upset, and it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. But, Shizuo tells himself, he has every right to be. He probably already knows that this was all Shizuo's fault._

_"Away from here, so come on." He holds out a (somewhat shaky) hand to Izaya, forcing himself to observe all that his carelessness had done while he had simply turned away, even while knowing nothing good was happening, and pretended not to know._

_Izaya looks at up him with a burning ferocity in his eyes, unlike his earlier blank gaze, and slaps his hand away with all the strength he could muster, though it was pathetically weak because he simply lacked the strength from blood loss._

_Shizuo pulled back his hand, and Izaya stood on unsteady legs, limbs trembling from the sheer exertion the simple action required of him, stubbornly turning away from Shizuo._

_"It's over, isn't it?" Izaya asks, but he means something else._

_Shizuo paused, knowing exactly what Izaya meant. His chest burned, everything hurt deeply, like a long gash had been slashed into his chest by the sharp of a blade. He blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to keep his voice steady._

_"Izaya, it's not like that." He insisted, tone bordering on pleading, laced with a desperation to explain._

_"Really? Well, it is for me. We're going to Shinra's and nowhere else. If you take me somewhere else..." He doesn't finish his threat because it seems meaningless when Shizuo could kill him right here, right now, and it would be blamed on the gang members instead._

_Shizuo doesn’t say anything right away,_ _quietly considering Izaya with an acute pain in his heart._

_“Okay, I’ll bring you to Shinra’s.” He said, voice tinged with a sad resignation. If Izaya notices, he ignores it and doesn't say anything else._

_He brings Izaya to Shinra without protest, and after both Shinra and Izaya's insistence, he left. He wasn’t going to fight it at this point, everything was already over and Izaya is stubborn. He, of all people, would know._

_After Izaya recovered enough to his own standards that he decided he didn't need to get treated by Shinra, he slipped out of their apartment when he got his first chance._

_———_

_A few weeks later, about a month ago-_

_There was something very wrong, but Izaya couldn't place his finger on it._

_Was it that the wounds on his arms never seemed to heal?_

_He traced around the wounds in thought, looking blankly at the angry red tearing down his arm. It didn’t seem to be that._

_Was it that there seemed to be things he couldn't remember?_

_That definitely concerned him, but he couldn’t place what things he had forgotten._

_Or was it just that there was something missing?_

_He'd rarely gone to Ikebukuro in these past few weeks, but when he had, he always saw Shizuo and that Vorona woman together and it made him feel disgusted._

_How was it fair that he was the only one suffering?_

_———_

_A week later-_

_When the first panic attack hit, it was probably one of the worst ones he'd ever have._

_It was forceful and he felt as though he was being strangled by an invisible force he couldn't overcome._

_The air turned bitter cold and tore through his lungs, his chest until his lungs felt like they'd been surrounded entirely by freezing snow._

_His body shook with uncontrollable fear and warm tears flooded his eyes without his consent, pouring down his cheeks with no sign of stopping. Every breath is a gasp and it’s utterly terrifying. His head feels woozy, and his feet unsteady._

_He unconsciously scratches at his wrists, tearing them open easily since they still had just scabbed and not fully healed. The blood oozes down his forearm as he claws at his throat to fight off whatever was hindering him from breathing to no avail._

_His vision is blurry from tears and his head is spinning as the lack of oxygen starts to get to him._

_He collapses unceremoniously when his legs become unable to hold him up. His heart buzzes in a frantic frenzy as his body slumps against a wall in defeat, trembling and shaking and gasping, he can't seem to stop it._

_Every time he tries to breathe, it's a desperate gasp to draw in air to find nothing but a rush of cold hell choking him, crushing his throat and crushing his chest in on itself._

_He's going to die, he's going to die...it's so, so pathetic...no, not like this..._

_In his last bits of flailing consciousness, he hears his door open and sees several people enter his apartment._

_As he passes out, he has a sharp revelation that he is being dragged away, back into the all-consuming darkness of pain and misery..._

_———_

_Two weeks later-_

_It's Celty who is the first to find out that Izaya has disappeared again. She’s worried, wondering why they are so interested in Izaya. Of course, she tells Shinra the next time she sees him._

_[He's still being targeted, Shinra.]_

_"Yes...But why? To go to this extent, they must have some really strong motive...Right? I thought Izaya hadn't done anything that grandiose in a long while..."_

_[...Shizuo. What about Shizuo?]_

_"Shizuo? Why do you think that he- Oh," Shinra's face became grave. "Don't say anything to Shizuo. We'll have to find a different way to bring Izaya back..."_

_———_

_One week later, about a week and a half ago-_

_It was Celty who told him that there was (still) something wrong with Izaya. His friend even seemed concerned about Izaya’s condition and Shizuo was aware she wasn’t the most fond of him. He takes the words hard, they sink into his chest and make guilt rise up his throat._

_It wasn't Celty who told him to go see Izaya, or to get Izaya away from (himself) his apartment. But he goes because he has to, because it’s all his fault._

_It was Shizuo that first found out that Izaya didn't remember (that) anything._

_After bringing Izaya to somewhere (safe) far away, he asked Vorona to watch over him while he contacted Shinra. He should have never let Izaya leave his sight._

_Goddamnit, why was he such an idiot?_

_The next morning, Izaya was gone. Again._

_And it was all his fault. It was always his fault._

_Fuck. How many times was this pattern going to repeat itself?_

_After this, he was leaving Izaya to Shinra and Celty. Because he had something more important to take care of and it wasn't going to be pretty._


	5. Descend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo finally comes over and things still don’t make sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abdjjfnfk,
> 
> This chapter killed me and ahhh...
> 
> Anyways, maybe you’ll understand after you read it.
> 
>  
> 
> Well, here’s chapter 5
> 
> Hope you enjoy
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_It was a quiet thing. Sinking into darkness while seeing nothing._

_Was this how he had been ignored before?_

_Just shut your eyes and turn away._

_How foolish he had been before for thinking there was actually something._

_(Something? Had there been something? What 'something' was he thinking about?)_

_He stopped moving for a moment. What had he been thinking about? Surely, there had been something that he had remembered...But now it was gone again._

_A cold air caressed him and an uncomfortable feeling twisted in his stomach._

_When his eyes opened, it took him a while to adjust to the darkness before he could see anything._

_He forced himself to sit up, and look around._

_As soon as he did, anxiety seized him and fear boiled up in his chest, though he wasn't sure quite why._

_Until he realized belatedly that his arms were tied behind his back and his ankles were tied together. There was also something cold tight against his neck._

_Panic shoot through him even fiercer, along with confused fear because he wasn't sure what was happening or why._

_The rope on his arms dug into the cuts on his arms, irritating the skin and rubbing it raw every time his hands shifted._

_All he could was wait to find out what was going on..._

__———_ _

__Izaya woke up with a fitful start. His breaths were rapid and irregular and it took a while to steady them. He shuddered in chilling discomfort, feeling sick of waking up like this almost every morning. He vaguely wondered if he really is getting better. Some days he feels worse, he can feel it right down to his very toes and it’s so painful. He just wants it to stop.__ It's draining both physically and mentally, and he's not sure how much of it he can take before it wears him down completely. 

__He slid out of the bed, stepping out of the room to look around. He shouldn’t be getting so used to this view, but he is. How long has he been here? He let out a soft sigh as he padded down the hallway on heavy feet. It felt too familiar to walk down this hallway over and over, like it was the only place he knew (and maybe now that was somewhat true).__

__For once, he ran into Celty, whom he immediately recognized. It’s the first time he’d seen her since he’d been at her and Shinra’s apartment but he had remembered her, and was able to know who she was. Celty must have been busy when he first arrived at Shinra's, because after he had remembered her, he had thought it odd that he had yet to see her around.__

__[Izaya! You're up? Do you need something?] The dullahan seemed slightly surprised to see him, but acted friendy enough regardless.__

__Izaya shook his head, feeling vulnerable and not quite comfortable. He didn't like people seeing him while he was so weak, even if Celty was...different.__

__"No...When is that person coming?" He asked carefully, looking at Celty almost warily._ _

__[Oh...He's coming later today, I believe. If you need anything, just call for me or Shinra. Right now, Shinra isn't here, though...]_ _

__Izaya nodded, looking at Celty as though it would help him remember something. He vaguely wondered where Shinra was as he blankly stared ahead. Celty seemed to watch him carefully, considering him quietly with a slight tilt to her helmet. He turned away, something flickering in his mind before slipping away and out of reach._ _ __He wanted to say something, but instead he just returned to 'his' room._ _

__(Because there was some other room out there that was truly his...)_ _

__———_ _

__He knew as soon as they arrived. Not everything, but enough. He could hear the faint murmur of their voices- two distinct voices, one, of course, being Shinra. The other...__

His eagerness dissipated and in its place, an undiluted disgust coiled in his gut. He hated this all so much. He wanted to scream, to cry, to do _something_ but instead, he tried to keep himself together, swallowing down the bile rising in his throat. He recognized that voice, and how could he ever forgotten it! He felt sick to his stomach as he glanced around for his infamous fur-lined jacket- did he still have it with him?- but didn't see it. He wasn’t ready for this. He didn’t feel prepared- not mentally, not physically.

__"Izaya, he's here." Shinra called out, after opening the front door and walking in, with someone else following him. Dread filled Izaya at these words. For a while, he stood where he was frozen, not ready for this meeting in any sense, before he slapped some sense into himself and slipped back into his default mode he had once been so accustomed to it had been like his second skin. Now it felt unnatural, and he didn't want to dwell on why. He didn't quite remember anyways.__

__"Now, I don't think you should expect anything." Shinra whispered to Shizuo. The blonde shook his head at Shinra's words._ _

__"I wasn't-" He didn't finish his sentence because Izaya had finally appeared._ _

__For a while, he just stared at the tall blonde he saw beside Shinra, not saying anything and not changing his expression from a blank look. He licked his lips slowly, feeling a burst of thoughts well up in his mind.__

_'Shizuo (fuck him)_

_Shizuo (hate him)_

_Shizuo (goddamnit, why?)_

_No, it's Shizu-chan (the monster).'_

__"Izaya..." Shizuo breathed, his expression hard for Izaya to read. Izaya didn’t want to read it anyways, or at least that’s what he told himself as he felt a strange feeling pool at the bottom of his stomach. Something unnameable.__

__Unconsciously, a smirk edged its way across his face._ _

__"Shizu-chan~!" Izaya exclaimed, sounding extremely happy._ _

__Shinra froze, turning towards Shizuo, ready to placate the blonde, only to find the blonde was entirely calm. He almost seemed sedated, or drugged, or something to the doctor because his whole stance radiated relaxation and calm. It was so unlike Shizuo, especially when it came to Izaya. If anything, it made Shinra more concerned and nervous.__

__"I thought you didn't remember anything, flea." Shizuo commented, not moving an inch from where he was._ _

__"As if I could forget someone as (beloved, a small voice in his mind hissed) hated as you!" Izaya laughed, shaking his head._ _

__"Izaya." Shinra said, almost as a warning. He was still worried Shizuo was snap, worried the calm was just a facade that could still easily be broken by Izaya.__

__"That's rich coming from you, considering you did." Shizuo mused, sounding almost amused but also faintly hurt._ _

__Izaya frowned, all part of his facade of normalcy in a situation that was anything but._ _

__"No, I didn't forget you. I just didn't know that you were the one who 'saved' me."_ _

__Because why would he? They were enemies (lovers)._ _

__"I don't know about the accuracy of that statement." Shizuo muttered, due in part, perhaps, to a darker context Izaya (still) knew nothing about._ _

__"Shizuo, that's-" Shinra began to protest, before the blonde cut him off._ _

__"I don't want to hear that again, Shinra." Shizuo's tone was clearly a warning._ _

__The doctor sighed, shrugging helplessly._ _

__"I guess I'll leave you two be for the time being." He muttered, walking away while shaking his head._ _

__"I'm surprised, Shizu-chan, that you did something so nice for me." Izaya purred._ _

__Shizuo frowned._ _

__"What are you talking about, Izaya? You should know why I helped you."_ _

__That made Izaya pause in his facade because he didn't have an answer to Shizuo's question._ _

__"You're saying you didn't want a favor from me?" He cooed, to distract Shizuo from the fact that for once he was at a blank as to why Shizuo helped him._ _

__(Wait...Hadn't he sounded really concerned when he found him?What does that mean...?)_ _

__The small voice cooed helpfully again,_ _

_'He loves you, Izaya~_

_That's why he let you suffer like this~_

_Your sweet, precious Shizu-chan!'_

__Izaya almost feels sick, frustrated with both himself and Shizuo, because he was still confused and disoriented and he was pretty sure there were still things he didn't remember. Since when was he this weak? This unstable?__

__"I don't want a favor from you, Izaya. If you don't know why I did it, just say so. Stop making this more complicated than it needs to be."_ _

__Izaya almost snapped in an uncharacteristic rush of anger, but a smirking mask was smoothed over the creases to hide any such indication._ _

__"What's complicated about this? About us? You're the one messing with things," Izaya said dismissively, even though it felt wrong. "Aren't we just supposed to be enemies? Stop blurring the line, stupid protozoan."_ _

__Normally, things like this would get on Shizuo's nerves and provoke his rage._ _

__But normally, Shizuo didn't go around helping him out either._ _

__In Izaya's mind that meant there was still something he was missing, and it was something very crucial to understanding why Shizuo was just calmly staring at him, even a little remorsefully, with a bitter smile touching his lips._ _

__"You really don't remember, do you? Izaya?" A somber husk to the quiet voice that Izaya had never heard before, Shizuo's voice seemed to be inundated with some sweeping bitterness that left Izaya feeling weak and clueless._ _

__A wry smile crossed his lips._ _

__"What is there to remember, Shizuo? We can never be anything other than what we are."_ _

__"Yeah, I figured you'd say something like that flea." Shizuo sounded tired and defeated and that was very, very wrong. Izaya didn’t like the look on Shizuo’s face, but he didn’t bother to think about why.__

__Everything about this was very, very wrong and Izaya still only knew the half of it._ _


	6. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo has to leave and he does something Izaya hadn’t expected...

It _was a sound like a resonating gunshot, piercing and thrumming, that vibrated the air with fierce resilience._

_A sound that was cold like ice, freezing and unwavering, that shook the air with angry vibes._

_Tottering, unsteady footsteps echoing before the muffled sound of collapsing._

_Red eyes opened to discover millions of shards of shattered glass and a stiffening body lying in a pool of crimson blood, flesh torn open with merciless bullets that riddled the body with unsightly gaps._

_The air is putrid with the heavy scent of blood and smoke and drugs and whatever the hell else was stinking up wherever this hellhole was._

_A few more glances around seem to tell him that he is alone for the moment, though he was still likely being watched by some hidden camera. The gang members may not always be the brightest, but they still managed to exceed his expectations in just the slightest, if anything proved that, then it was his current situation which he had not predicted at all._

_Even in as bad a situation as he was, he still couldn't help being fascinated by the humans' actions and reactions, the thrills of getting to see how things play out in different scenarios, their emotions..._

_But as of the moment, even if he wanted to escape, he wouldn't even get far with even just half the amount of broken bones that he had now._

_But, fuck, why was he in this situation, and why had he still been left in the dark about what the hell was going on?_

_The lack of information, the lack of control was driving him mad._

_But it seemed he still had to wait..._

__———_ _

__Their conversation dissipated into nothingness, leaving the two (something- enemies? friends? lovers? something else entirely?) staring at each other, one skeptically and the other vacantly. Neither seemed to want to say anything; Izaya didn’t know what to say and Shizuo just looked tired. Tension crackled in the air anyways as the silence stretched on and on until it was broken when Shinra reappeared. The doctor didn’t speak right away, as though he were assessing the situation, which he probably was. He looked over at Shizuo, seeming apathetic.__

__"Shizuo, it's time." Was all the doctor said._ _

__Shizuo turned his head towards Shinra and nodded. Izaya’s gaze flickered from Shinra to Shizuo, following their conversation by their expressions because he wasn’t sure of the context of it.__

__"I got it, just give me a second." The blonde huffed, voice a little strained.__

__Shinra nodded and vanished as quickly as he had come._ _

__Shizuo turned his attention back towards Izaya, who eyed him both warily and with questioning confusion. He let the silence continue for a while before he spoke again.__

__"Izaya," the blonde sighed, earning a quirked brow from said man. "I have to leave. I may come again...If you want me to." He ran a hand through his hair, messily ruffling it. He seemed to be considering something and his eyes avoided Izaya’s.__ __Izaya blinked slowly, cautiously regurgitating his words. His tongue flicked out across his lips before he said anything._ _

__"Why would you come again? Isn't it enough I remembered what we are, what you are?" Izaya’s words sounded hollow even to his own ears. His face was blank as he gazed over at the blonde, feeling disassociated from what was happening.__

__Shizuo sighed, wincing slightly,  and slowly walked towards Izaya, who unconsciously backed away even when a part of him wanted to move forward challengingly. Shizuo stopped just short in front of Izaya, leaving a small berth between them. In multiple different ways, an uncomfortable distance. Izaya was stiff, eyes fixed on Shizuo, observing what the blonde was doing._ _

__Izaya didn't even realize at first what was happening until Shizuo had already spun on his heel and began to stalk away before Izaya saw his expression. Izaya’s body stiffened in delayed reaction, every muscle going rigid. His breath caught in his throat while his brain tried to process what the fuck had just happened.__

_'What._

_What._

_What just..._

_He didn't just..._

_Nononono, why? Why?'_

__While the first emotion he really felt was panic, quickly coupled with complete bafflement, his face flushed brightly against his will and a hand reached up to his lips._ _

__He could still feel the soft brush of Shizuo's lips on his and it was intoxicating just as much as it was dangerous, as good as it was bad. His body was trembling, but from what, he wasn't quite sure with the contradicting emotions bubbling up inside him. All he knew was that his mind was exploding because of what had just happened. It was all too much all at once.__

__Shizuo, of all people, had kissed him, of his own free will._ _

_'What the fuck!_

_Don't mess with me!_

_Fucking around like that when you're supposed to hate me._

_Goddamn it, this is bad'_

__Izaya crouched down to the floor, not even minding Shinra's odd, concerned look when he walked back into the room. He was too caught up in his own thoughts to care. He covered his mouth with a hand, as though there was some sort of evidence of the crime left behind, but really it was because his breath had caught in his throat and his chest had squeezed tight.__

__"Did...Shizuo do something?" Shinra queried, concern lacing his voice as he looked at Izaya worriedly, wondering what the blonde could have done now._ _

__He received no response._ _

__"Izaya?" Shinra repeated, trying to get the other's attention, his worry increasing at the lack of any acknowledgement from his friend.__

__Izaya flinched, standing up and turning towards the doctor, a brilliant (fake) smile crossing his lips. Shinra didn't need to know about this little incident, he decided._ _

__"No, nothing at all, Shinra." He assured him, skipping back to 'his' room (because he didn't belong here).__

__He missed Shinra's concerned look following his form until he disappeared from the brunette's view._ _

__He collapsed onto his bed, a weird heat crawling through his body, making him slowly become increasingly uncomfortable._ _

__His heart beat quickened, and his body became slick with an excess of sweat. His breathing became rapid and irregular and his chest tightened painfully. Frustration bubbled up in his chest, his fingers curling into the sheets of the bed. He finally caught on to what was happening and he cursed silently in his head.__

_'Shit, another one?_

_Now of all times? Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it.’_

__His breaths were harsh and ragged, and he angrily sat up, stumbling towards the door to get Shinra, but he tripped over his liquid limbs and fell unceremoniously to the floor in a panting, gasping heap. He cursed mentally, feeling so frustrated with himself and his situation. He felt too hot while the air became frigid against his skin, wrapping around him like a blanket of cold, cutting him off from the world. The cold seeped into his skin down to his very bones while the air was stolen from his lungs with every breathy and quick exhale.__

__He smacked the door in frustration as the air became unbreathable, a taunting cold that tickled his lungs with icy feathers. He cursed again in his head because it was hard to even speak when he could barely even breathe. Every breath felt bitter cold, freezing his lungs with every desperate gasp.__

__His body trembled, still uncomfortably hot despite the air feeling so bitingly cold and bitter. Tears stung his eyes in utter frustration and anger at his own helplessness to stop the panic attack. He couldn’t even voice his irritation, his throat was too constricted, his chest was heaving too fast with every sliver of air forced quick and desperate into his lungs.__

__It's a disgusting feeling, the utter shame that accompanies the feeling of complete uselessness when he can't even level out his own breathing and calm himself down._ _

_'It must be all Shizuo's fucking fault, damn it.'_

__He hit the door a few more times, more out of exasperation at himself than desperation for someone to come find him and help him because he hates being so useless because he's supposed to be above things like this and when he's like this, he becomes so disgustingly human that it must be why Shizuo helped him._ _

__Out of sympathy, the human kindness, the human plight._ _

__"Izaya! Is something wrong? Can you open the door?" Shinra's voice snapped him out of his thoughts, helped ground him a little better in reality, the twisted, tilted stage it currently was as he was manipulated while still being utter lost in the darkness of not having all his memories.__ He felt a vague comfort knowing the doctor cared enough to notice something was wrong, but at the same time, he felt frustrated at how reliant he was becoming. 

__"Shin-Shinra, c-can't open the door, damn it, I can't...goddamn it, fuck..." He hissed out in broken pieces, somehow managing to force the words from his lungs up his throat and out of his mouth as he struggled to reach for the door handle, just of reach and gleaming in glorious mockery. His fingers brushed the handle, but slipped around uselessly on the round knob, too clammy with sweat and feeling heavy like lead.__

__He had no strength in his legs so all he could do was stretch and reach and try to open that goddamn door, with his body trembling and with his eyes blinded by tears, and when finally he turned the handle and opened the door, he fell over, wheezing and shaking, and escaped from the world for a while, the dark cold and welcoming, wrapping him in its sweet embrace.__


	7. Scar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya thinks there’s something missing, Shinra knows something’s wrong, and Vorona knows Shizuo is keeping something from all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this the other day, but I ended up being busy >.<
> 
> I had to study for a test and two quizzes, complete a lab, and do my other homework as well.
> 
> But here it is, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_He shifted to try to sit in a more comfortable position, the rope burning at his wrists and ankles and sending a searing fire across his skins in a burning caress._

_The rope tore open the cuts on his arms and kept them from healing, leaving blood crusted on the ropes and his wrists in dark crimson smears._

_There was doubt that the wounds would leave long-lasting scars._

_"Orihara-kun," a voice called, accompanied by echoing footsteps. "We'd like to clarify that, though many of us dislike you and hold grudges towards you, this has nothing to do with any personal vendettas. We seek something else."_

_A few of the gang members appeared, flanking the man who was speaking._

_Izaya narrowed his eyes at the man, glaring fiercely at them in petty defiance. He began to open his mouth to speak, but the man continued talking leisurely._

_"If there was one other thing I'd say to you that would be that I'd advise you not to speak or else you'll be in for a nasty surprise." The man sat down in a chair one of his underlings brought out for him and casually crossed his legs._

_Izaya almost snapped something in reply, but the metal around his neck convinced him otherwise._

_"Honestly, we couldn't care less if you did die because of this, except then we'd have a big problem on our hands. Heiwajima Shizuo."_

_Izaya's eyes clouded and strange emotions flashed through him._

_He didn't have long to think about it._

__———_ _

__When he woke up, all he felt was cold. He was still by the door, but it was hard for him to move. His whole body ached painfully, from the bruises and the cuts and...everything else he didn't even want to think about. If there was any comfort to him, it was that Shizuo wouldn't be around, and he might not, and probably won't, come back again. When he sucked in a breath, the air still had a bitter edge to it, though it wasn’t unbearbly cold.__

__He should feel relieved, but instead he feels his chest tighten inexplicably. It's not like when he's having a panic attack but something else entirely, but he is left utterly lost at its meaning and significance.__ __He pushes it to the back of his mind and goes to find Shinra, who seems a little more worried when he does his checkup on Izaya's condition, and he has good reason to be, especially after his whole episode before (he wasn't sure if it'd been a day or not, his sense of time was still distorted)._ _

__When he runs into Celty while wandering the house later, she seems like she wanted to avoid seeing him and Izaya feels a strange prick in the back of his neck as though someone or something is screaming at him to put the pieces together and just understand._ _

__But he doesn't. Not yet._ _

__———_ _

__A few days go by and Izaya can't help but feel something is missing. He's still at Shinra's, and though he feels bad for intruding this long, he doesn't want to go anywhere else because it all seems unsafe and likely riddled with reminders of bad things, like his panic attacks. Odd considering he'd had them at Shinra's and yet still felt somewhat comfortable, not safe, mind, but comfortable. He’s grown used to waking up at the couple’s apartment, used to the layout of the apartment, and used to occasionally running into Celty or Shinra if he leaves ‘his’ room.__

__He’ll be in their kitchen and he will always go to turn to someone only to realize they're not there and forgets who he thought was there. It’s strange, but he almost feels used to it. Almost._ _

__It’s wrong, though, he knows. It’s not supposed to be like this. The emptiness in his chest tells him that, the familiar ache of loneliness that tugs down on his soul even when Shinra is around._ _

__It's an absence of something vital as much as it's an absence of something he doesn't want back and he can't understand it at all. It's something indescribable, something hard to pin down, and maybe he doesn't want to.__

__He wants to talk to Shinra about it, but every time he plans to, he clams up and becomes unable to talk about it because he notices the warning signs of what could become a panic attack and so he never tells him. He’s so tired of having panic attacks, hates the feeling of uselessness that comes with it because at some point, he can no longer stop the attack from happening and it’s so infuriating. He has no one he can rely on, and he doesn't want to rely on anyone anyways.__

__———_ _

__"Shizuo-senpai, is there something on your mind?" Vorona queried, looking at her coworker with a hint of concern. She can tell Shizuo is worse for wear, seeming more absent-minded and laidback than usual and there are dark bags that are clear under his eyes. She’s worried, but she’s not sure how to help when she doesn’t know what’s bothering Shizuo in the first place. She doubts he'll open up to her either way, but she still wants him to know that she is always there for him if he every needs support.__

__"Nothing important," he mutters, taking out a cigarette. "Just a few various things I've been thinking about." He replies vaguely._ _

__"It has to do with Izaya, doesn't it? Shizuo-senpai, I already told you-" Vorona begins desperately, though her voice is as level and monotone as always, but she doesn’t get far with her words.__

__"I said not to talk about that, Vorona. It doesn't matter now. It wasn't your fault." Shizuo cut her off, lighting his cigarette. He knows it wasn’t Vorona’s fault. If there is anyone to blame, it’s him. He’d failed Izaya again. He doesn’t want his coworker to feel guilty when she wasn’t the one at fault. She wasn’t the one to blame.  
__

__"I'm sorry, I just want to help you. I didn't mean to, really. But Shizuo-senpai, are you sure it won't happen again? Will he really be okay?" Vorona watched the blonde, tapping her fingers against the table they were sitting at.__

__"He's with Shinra so he'll be fine. I'm not worried anything else will happen to him..." He doesn't finish his thought, biting the inside of his cheek._ _

__Vorona blinked and looked more closely at her companion._ _

__"Shizuo-senpai, you need to get some sleep." She said firmly, standing and giving her coworker a hard stare._ _

__Shizuo ignored her for a while, opting instead to take a much needed drag of his cigarette._ _

__"Shizuo-senpai." Vorona repeated a little sternly._ _

__"It's not that easy," he muttered. "It's not like I haven't tried." The admission stabbed Vorona in the heart, Shizuo's defeated tone ringing hollow._ _

__If Vorona could ever feel sympathy, it would surely be in this moment, or at least, that's what she thought._ _

__The rest of the time they spent in each other's company was mostly quiet since they didn't talk much else. Vorona did have more she wanted to say, but she swallowed the words and let it be for the moment. It wasn’t really her place to get involved, she was still partly at fault for what happened to Izaya.__

__Vorona was hesitant to part ways when Shizuo seemed so distracted, distressed, and haunted. But she really had no choice._ _

__She didn't move until she could no longer pick out the blonde from the crowd, still worried about him.__

__Truly she had miscalculated her own strength, and maybe what she was feeling could be described as regret._ _

__———_ _

__Shinra can see that Izaya's mental state is frayed. When he watches the man, he sees just how much confusion and chaos is drowning Izaya and Izaya has no way out. Izaya looks lost, wandering around the halls every now and then with a vacant, distant, misty look in his eyes that screams of his suffering.__

__Shinra tries to be there for Izaya, but it's so hard when Izaya barely even remembers who he is and can't even seem to connect with the doctor. It’s painful even for him, unused to seeing the normally prideful man so distant and unfamiliar. He's Izaya, but at the same time, he's not. He's someone new, with Izaya's face and his name, but he's not the same. It's like he's changed, but Shinra's not quite sure how.__

He always see Izaya staring off into space or pacing around or looking just seconds away from breaking down- this was not an Izaya he knew, not _the _Izaya he knew. Yet he was surely still Izaya, some small fragment of the broken Izaya who had lost all the other pieces of himself..._ _

__One thing that bothered Shinra was Izaya's arms, because his arms hadn't been cut in any of the previous incidents, only marred by rope tied too tightly. Yet there they were, beautiful long and deeps gashes painting the porcelain skin red ever time they cut open because they never seemed to heal. There's a suspicion that lurked in the back of his head that he refused to give voice to, wanting to hear it from Izaya himself before he made a false accusation to his only other friend.__

__Three times, Shinra reminded himself, three times they had worked to break Izaya. And three times too fucking many. Because looking at a frail, weak, pathetic Izaya made his blood boil because Izaya wasn't weak just because of what they had done, but because they'd had the cruelty to steal the one thing he always had control over: information._ _

__Now Izaya had no information and thus no control, leaving him drowning in darkness with confusing and conflicting thoughts and emotions clashing, and Izaya, for once, had no idea what to do._ _

__And normally, for the informant, it would be driving him mad, but in this case, he was so out of it, he wasn't even doing that._ _

__And Shinra knew that just like those cuts on Izaya's arms, as soon as he regained his memories, he knew that this was all going to leave a nasty scar, and not just for Izaya._ _


	8. Silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback Chapter
> 
> Before Shizuo visits Izaya, there are some things he wants to take care of...But a part of him still doesn’t want to see Izaya...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m having a bit of writer’s block for this story so the updates will be slower until that changes. And I am still working on the next chapters, just not the immediate next ones as much. 
> 
> Anyways, here's another flashback chapter to give more of an idea of why Shizuo was so hesitant to visit Izaya...
> 
> Hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_Shizuo stared down at the table where his phone currently rested, still ringing call after call after call, all of which he didn't answer. Every call was from the same person and Shizuo knew exactly what he would say because he had said it every time Shizuo had answered the phone before. He didn't want to hear the words again, they dug into his heart and tore open his chest until he could barely breathe through the suffocating guilt. He knew Shinra meant well, but he just couldn't do it. It just wasn't possible. He had failed Izaya. Not just once, but over and over again. Always coming too late when it no longer mattered, coming too late but at least he had gone at all. Izaya didn't see it that way, and he had every right to. Shizuo had failed him._

_But just saving him when he did wasn't good enough, hadn't been good enough because now Izaya was no longer 'Izaya', but some stranger who had taken the form of Izaya. A false Izaya who was not Izaya at all..._

_But...if he didn't remember that (one, small catastrophic event), surely that was for the better?_

_Wasn't it almost better if he didn't remember the complicated ups and downs of their relationship- the hard-to-define, shapeless thing that it was?_

_But if Izaya remembered that_ Shizuo  _had failed him, if he truly wanted to slip away and disappear into the darkened corners of the world, then maybe Shizuo didn't want him to remember anything after all. There would be no way to ensure Izaya remained safe if that happened, and Shizuo knew that Izaya had suffered enough as it was._

_But Izaya not remembering was bad, oh so very bad, because a false Izaya wouldn't know who he was to Shizuo or what Shizuo was to him and that would be badbadbabdbad, very bad._

_Shizuo couldn't just leave Izaya after being part of the reason he had suffered, suffered, suffered.  Shizuo couldn't just abandon Izaya after everything._

_He just wanted to leave things at the silence because what was there to say? What could he say?_

_If he was straight with himself and the world, he'd admit he was fucking fearful and afraid because he still wanted Izaya, wanted the illusion of a picture perfect relationship to be within his grasp, but he knew the chances of that were so very slim because Izaya_ hated  _him, and wanted nothing to do with him anymore and he should just leave this alone..._

_But how can he! It's all his fault this happened anyways, when he could have prevented it, when he could have fixed things (but he hadn't and he was so fucking stupid for not doing so because it was all so twisted again and the cycle had never ended, it'd just introduced another way to continue it, to add a new variation of I hate you, I love you)._

_But now he wanted to fix this, yet he couldn't imagine facing Izaya- whether he remembered or not- because it was just too hard because their relationship had always been straining at the edges, pulled so taut that at any moment it could snap and become something else entirely, something he didn't, or maybe even both of them didn't, want._

_It was always a wait to see which one's fuse burned out faster to lead to the inevitable shift in the dynamic of an ever-changing relationship that never settled as just one thing because there was just too many nuances to this, how could they called_ t _his love? It was twisted and it most definitely hadn't always been romantic._

_He couldn't go just yet, there was still something he had to do...something he couldn't leave unfinished._

_———_

_[Shizuo? What are you doing here? Have you seen Izaya yet?] Though she had no face, Shizuo could sense her confusion from the tilt of her helmet and the angle of her shoulders._

_"Ah, Celty. I was looking for you," he paused, deliberating on his answer for just a quick moment. "And no, I haven't seen him yet."_

_[Shouldn't you go? He might remember something.]_

_"That's exactly part of the problem," Shizuo muttered quietly, under his breath. He doesn't know if Celty heard him. "I will go soon, just not yet. Have you figured anything out?"_

_[Yes, but...]_

_"What is it, Celty? Can't you tell me?" His tone is slightly accusatory. He doesn't mean to snap at his friend, but he needs her to tell him this. It concerns Izaya after all._

_The dullahan shifted uncomfortably._

_[What do you plan on doing?]_

_"Celty!" Shizuo snapped, his patience running thin._

_Celty shrugged helplessly._

_[I'll tell you...]_

_———_

_He felt absolutely disgusted with himself, after the blind rage died down and left him hollow and contemplative. He sat down on the cold concrete, eyes fixed on the plain gray of the ground. He doesn't even want to look around himself and see what he has done, even if it was for Izaya. There are some things that can never be truly justified._

_The tang of blood stung his nose and the air was foul with a mix of disgusting smells and it was making him light-headed._ _He needed to get out of this place, but he made no move to leave yet._

_He stood, taking out his phone with a (trembling) hand. He couldn't even stand himself at the moment, so he knew he wouldn't be able to see Izaya. His fingers found the contact he was looking for even while his mind was distracted and he called them, waiting for the call to be picked up before he said anything._

_"Shinra..." His voice is distant and Shinra is immediately on alert. The doctor was uniquely keen when it came to Shizuo, and it was probably because the two had known each other for such a long time. Shizuo was truly grateful for Shinra, even when he could be annoying and invasive._

_"What is it Shizuo? Is something the matter?"  The doctor's voice is quiet and concerned._

_"I don't think I can go see him."_

_"Shizuo, I've told you before that it's not your fault. You're thinking about this too much. Shouldn't you come see him? I think he would like that. You know-" Shinra is stopped when Shizuo cuts in._

_"It's my fault and you know it, Shinra. You can't lie to me," Shizuo growls. "Besides, he doesn't remember anything, and either way, he wouldn't want to see me."_

_"I get it, but...Don't you think you're overreacting? It's not your-" Shinra doesn't finish his sentence at Shizuo's warning growl, but he continued speaking nonetheless. "It could just be even for a short while, a minute or two. It could help with his memory." Shinra sighs, sounding a little worn out._

_Shizuo thinks for a moment, a defeated pause. He already knows he can't win this, Shinra has a point and he probably should see Izaya, at least once._

_"I'll stop by soon, but it won't be for long. I still have things to take care of." He finally said, biting his tongue unconsciously as he lied, only a little. He wasn't ready to see Izaya just yet. He needed some more time, to pull himself together._

_"Thank you. Bye." The doctor hung up._

_Shizuo dropped his arm down, letting his phone slip from his fingers and land with an innocuous clatter on the ground, reverberating through the concrete ground. He doesn't even glance at it. Everything hurt._ _It hurt so bad, and sometimes Shizuo swore there was a gaping hole in his chest because the pain was so bad. He hated himself because it was his fault; everything was his fault. From the way things started off on the wrong foot, and ended off much, much worse than he could have ever imagined possible._

_Shizuo sighed, lighting up a cigarette to calm himself and clear his mind. That bad habit had not left him._

_As he took a long drag, he contemplated various things; some good, some bad. He had become so cynical._ _It was hard for him not to be when everything appeared so bleak._

_Everything was_ _so_ _very twisted, a tilted stage with puppets pulled on strings to orchestrate a bloody crime with a triumphant ending of more perversions, more things wrong and fucked up in an already fucked up world of hate and violence._

_People hadn't been able to understand it anyways, no different from them, but they were even more skeptical, more aware of just how tentative and precarious and insecure their 'relationship', or whatever a person could think to call it, was._

_It was all blurred lines and averted eyes. Shifting discomfort and tentative reaching. It'd been fragile, it'd been left unnamed for too long, but even despite that, Shizuo wouldn't have changed that for the world. Now, he hadn't the choice._

_But it was not just back to the beginning, because now there were more layers to wrap around in complexity, to smother everything that had been and make something new._

_And there was nothing Shizuo could do to prevent that. It was already too late because he'd been too slow, too careless, too stupid._

_For all he knew, things could just go back to how they were originally. As enemies, rather than friends. As enemies, rather than 'lovers'._

_And he hated just the thought of it because it scared him. He didn't want to go back._ _He knew now, deep in his gut, that he was so utterly and completely in love with Izaya now that the boundaries had fallen over and vanished, but he still held back, afraid of this new feeling now that it had such an important name attached to it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep silent, but just because Izaya's defenses were down didn't mean his were. There were some things he could not let go._


	9. Choke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s another week and then the string is pulled taut...Izaya remembers something and it’s chaos...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I plan on working on the next chapters for this today and tomorrow and hopefully, I’ll get the inspiration needed to have the normal amount of updates.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_It's not like he had never experienced the feeling of asphyxiation, the feeling of absolute and utter suffocation, but he'd never held such fear along with it. His eyes were narrowed into thin slits, trying to maintain his composure as his ability to breath properly slipped away along with memories he didn't even know he was forgetting._

_He felt inexplicably angry just as he felt inexplicably sad. There was something wrong with this scenario where he had no control and no information and he felt dizzy._

_The only man who had spoken earlier was calmly lazing around in the same chair as before, sipping some expensive-looking wine and observing Izaya with an even stare._

_Izaya couldn't even breathe and he felt waves of rage and humiliation wash over him in this situation where a mere human could mock him just by looking at him as though he were the most uninteresting and insignificant being in the world, which was wrong, because Izaya transcended mere humanity, he was something more...something more._

_Or he had been._

_'That's right,' that voice purred in his mind. 'You were until Shizuo abandoned you and let your wings burn right off because you flew too close to the sun. He doesn't love you, Izaya, not like I do. He used you, he cast you aside because you're too troublesome. You should just forget a man like him...forget you ever felt anything other than hatred towards him.'_

_Izaya found him unconsciously agreeing with the voice while his vision swayed from flashing black dots to the sight of the man before him to his feet and back to darkness. His consciousness swaying, he murmured an agreement out loud to the voice under his breath, not even knowing he did so, nor noticing that the man saw him say something (though who knows if he heard it)._

_"Yes, I should just forget I ever loved a beast like Shizuo."_

_He smiled and his mind went utterly blank as he fell over and passed out._

_———_

It'd been another week of little progress. Shinra was frustrated, but he calmed himself by reminding himself that they could be making no progress, so a little was better than none. Celty helped with Izaya's memories when she talked about the jobs she'd taken for Izaya, and he got a better idea of what he had done, what he had been like (because he certainly wasn't like that, at least right now). It was always good to see Izaya regain some of his memories, because it was like he was getting a part of himself back. He became a little more familiar, and that meant he felt more comfortable around Shinra and Celty, more relaxed and less tense. Of course that was a good thing. 

But then there was chaos.

He'd asked Shinra to retrieve some of his things from his apartment since the doctor still refused to let him go very far from his apartment, especially not alone, meaning he rarely let Izaya leave the building, or even the apartment room itself. Shinra hated to do such a thing, but he didn't want to be careless. What if Izaya got taken away again? Shinra wasn't sure if Izaya could handle a fourth time. The man was already in such a frail condition, even if he was getting better.

Three times had been bad enough, leaving them with an amnesiac Izaya who was pushing away the one person who was likely the most able to help him regain his memories. And Shinra could only watch, see it tear the both of the apart from the inside out and make an even further mess of something already complicated enough without it. 

Shinra knew it certainly wasn't helping for Shizuo, whom, even though the doctor hadn't seen him that often recently, he knew was suffering and, in part, because he was so moody and prone to succumb to rage as a sweet remedy to his emotional distress, was avoiding mostly the people he knew. Shinra would probably need to talk to his friend again before things went too far, not just for his own sake. 

But yes, things went quickly downhill once he returned from Izaya's apartment with a few of the man's possessions.

In fact, Izaya had even hit Shinra with a briefcase when he laid eyes on the objects and had seized it in a fit of what could possibly be described as rage. Or maybe it was just fear.

"Sorry, Shinra, sorry!" Izaya had sobbed afterwards, turning away from the doctor apologetically. Shinra couldn't even get mad at him, seeing him instantly become so distressed once it registered what he had just done. He knew how fragile and unstable the man was, and he probably knew it better than anyone, considering how many days he had spent by Izaya's side trying to help the man with his recovery. 

Izaya had remembered _'something'_...he'd been in a terrible dark place, he'd been badly injured...covered in blood and bruises, but then, after taking his sweet time, Shizuo had come and saved him.

 _Too late, too late, too late._ He'd be too late, though, and _'Izaya'_ , the Izaya in the memory, hadn't wanted Shizuo's help. His only conclusion could be that he should still not want Shizuo's help. And it's not like he wanted the beast's help nor did he need it. He could cope just fine on his own.

 _'But you know that Shizuo is the only who can help you. You want- need- his help because he's the only one who can bring you back from the panicky nightmares.'_ A voice hissed in the back of his mind.

But something was missing. _Something, something, something._

He felt like he was losing his mind, which made him burst out laughing, since, in a way, he already had.

_———_

"Is Shizuo coming back?" Izaya asked later as innocently as he could.

Shinra glanced over at him, his expression hard for Izaya to decipher.

Shinra didn't answer right away because he had to be careful about how he phrased it, unsure what Izaya wanted to hear. His mind unconsciously wandered to the day Shizuo had visited, the encounter still fresh in his mind.

_———_

_"I'm not coming back." Shizuo's tone was flat, almost emotionless as he stated his words as though they were an indisputable fact or an unchangeable decision._

_"What, Shizuo, what...why?" The doctor's confusion was apparent, it was written all over his face. "You're the main person who can help him regain his memories!"_

_Shizuo's face contorted with anger, before it was suppressed, and his expression smoothed out to one of softened pain, a clear indication to Shinra that there was definitely something going on with the blonde._ _He'd have to think about that later, though, because at the moment he had to try and convince Shizuo that he should come back again._

_"That's part of it, Shinra. I'm a selfish man and I don't want him to remember," Shizuo murmured softly, so that Shinra had to strain to hear them while they both stood by Shinra's apartment door. "Besides, as I suspected, he wants nothing to do with me still. In certain ways, he's still the Izaya we knew."_

_Shinra frowned, but, knowing that the man had somewhere to be, he felt he had no choice but to leave it for the moment. But just for the moment. He wasn't going to let this go that easily._

_He sighed in resignation and moved aside, Shizuo saying nothing as he left._

_———_

"Only if you want him to." Shinra finally answered, shaking off Shizuo's cold, yet defeated words echoing in his mind.

"Shinra," Izaya muttered quietly, loathe to admit weakness, but not having much of a choice as he continued, besides Shinra already knew he didn't have all his memories in tact. "Who is Shizu-chan to me?"

Izaya didn't even know why he had to ask, but he was starting to doubt that his relationship with Shizuo wasn't as clear cut as he had thought it was. He regarded Shinra patiently, waiting for the man's response.

Shinra sighed, frowning.

"I told you it's hard to say. The two of you...you've been many things to each other." Shinra admitted, while still holding back a little. He wasn't sure what Izaya could take right now while everything was still clinging to a fragile balance, a new temporary equilibrium between clashing forces.

Izaya froze, visibly stiffening. What did that mean? That he hadn't always been enemies with Shizuo? Had they been something else to each other, or was it one-sided?

Shizuo had, after all, acted so worried and had even kissed him, but the thought was so repulsive to Izaya, he rejected the idea repeatedly and tried not to think about it.

As various questions swirled in his mind, Shinra looked at him sympathetically, even though he understood nothing. Unintentionally, he felt a curl of disgust at the doctor, his supposed friend, and maybe that was truly what they were, but he quickly quashed it.

He didn't understand why he wanted to know if Shizuo would come back after pulling such a disgusting stunt.

But since Izaya had told him to not come back, then he wouldn't...

For some reason, Izaya felt a rush of strange, unidentifiable emotions he didn't comprehend overwhelm him, and he felt his throat tighten painfully.

He felt something warm and wet slid down his cheek, and when he lifted his fingers to see what it was, fearing it might be blood, instead he was left looking at what he refused to accept was a tear.

There was no reason for him to be crying, and Orihara Izaya did not cry.

But he had, and now he had to struggle to make the ascent back up to who he had been.


	10. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A familiar smell leads to an unfamiliar encounter when Izaya forgets that that’s not what Shizu-chan smells like...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I was planning on posting this tomorrow but the site will be down when I normally update, I updated early, so here’s the next chapter.
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_When his consciousness returned, his wrists burned, the rope still too tight against the sensitive, worn down flesh. He raised his eyes to take in his surroundings again, because of course, he was still trapped in their company and he still wasn't sure why. They had said that is wasn't because of their personal grudges, but he didn't trust their words. The man was still observing him, but now a devilish smirk was adorning his face and he was staring at Izaya with seething malice._

_Izaya couldn't place his hatred, wondered why the man was going to such lengths when Izaya hadn't done much recently, or at least nothing he thought might warrant their cruelty and severity._

_His eyes began to sting but he blinked through the pain, ignoring the small droplets beading his lashes, refusing to acknowledge their existence._

_He stiffened when he heard the man speak again._

_"You got one thing right, Orihara-kun, and that's that this is all Heiwajima Shizuo's fault. It'd do you good to stay away from a person like him. If anything, you deserve better and I'm sorry that we had to hurt you like this, but I'm sure you can understand this is the best way to hurt a thick-skinned beast like that man, emotionally."_

_Izaya narrowed his eyes, head feeling heavy, his breathing labored, and he barely registered the man's words, a searing pain flaring up when he unconsciously struggled in the blood-encrusted confines keeping him trapped with no escape. Panic bubbled up in his chest accompanied by an inexplicable anger._

_The man just smirked sadistically._

———

He startled awake one morning to the smell of burning tobacco, a familiar smell that had become unfamiliar...

He half-ran, half-stumbled into the living room of Shinra's apartment only to feel...crushingly disappointed for some reason. Instead of whom he had expected, he sees an unfamiliar woman talking quietly to Celty, her hair a tangle of midnight curls and her hands idly fiddling with the cigarette she was indulging in. He stared at the sight, taking it in with vacant eyes. He felt slightly disgusted with himself at his foolishness. Of course Shizuo wouldn’t have come back, he had explicitly told him not to.

Celty noticed him and after showing something she wrote on her PDA to her guest, she whirled towards Izaya.

[Izaya, what's up? Why are you up so early? Did we wake you?]

Too tired and a little more than slightly irritated, he spoke hastily in his irritation, pointing blatantly at the other woman.

"Who's she?" He demanded, completely disregarding Celty's questions and not bothering to even acknowledge them.

Celty went to type something, but the other woman stopped her, looking over at Izaya with a soft smile, taking out an ash tray from somewhere and extinguishing her burnt down cigarette.

"Hello, Orihara-san. My name is Fujikawa Asuka, I'm an employee at my friend's cafe. I came to the Black Rider for help after my sister told me her friend has been missing for a while now and she can't contact her." Asuka smiled, bowing as she introduced herself with practiced calm, almost too practiced, Celty thought after seeing the effortless ease with which the woman introduced herself (as three different people) on at least three separate occasions.

"I would introduce myself, but it seems you already know who I am." Izaya replies evenly, somehow retaining a politely interested attitude despite how he was desperately chasing thoughts and memories to try and pin down something abstract and make it concrete. He almost wished the woman would leave so he could focus entirely on this, but she also seemed to be the souce of what was jogging his memory.

He wracked his brain to see if the name could ring a bell and to see if he could draw up any information he might have had on her, but his mind was as hazy as always and all he could think of was that the name sounded familiar.

And had he been in possession of all of his memories, he would have found the woman suspicious because he didn't know anyone named Fujikawa Asuka, though he knew a Fujikawa Akemi, a popular female photographer who loved basketball and had two young daughters (Aika and Aimi), and a Takizawa Asuka, one of three founders of a recent video game developing company, where one of those founders had just been murdered recently and the case had been huge and largely talked about within Japan. He also would have known that he had, in fact, met the woman before.

Celty typed something and showed it to just her guest and she nodded, looking a little sorrowful, her shoulder sagging with a light tension.

"I'm sorry, Orihara-san, for my mean-spirited joke," she sighed and lit up another cigarette. "I'm not Fujikawa Asuka, but my name is irrelevant. Though I actually came to the Black Rider for a favor, I was informed of your condition and asked to try to help by testing you. As it failed, I apologize on multiple regards."

Izaya felt a flare of anger that the people he had trusted and had been taking care of him would tell a random stranger about his...current condition in even the slightest way, but seeing Celty's distress, he abated his anger and focused on the unfamiliar woman. He could deal with Celty’s betrayal later and he also didn’t want to lose his composure in front of a stranger.

"At least you tried." He said, a little bitterly, suddenly feeling his frustration shift towards Shizuo, whom had still not returned and hadn't put in any effort to help him recover his memories and his 'complete' self. Izaya, of course, didn't blame himself for this even if he had practically told the man to stay away, because, for whatever reason, there was an expectation that Shizuo would come anyways...

 _'Even after he came so late before? After he let you suffer even while knowing that you were? He waited, Izaya, he fucking waited while knowing that you were bleeding and broken and suffering.'_ The voice Izaya still hadn't grown accustomed to hissed somewhere in the back of his mind, drawing forth that dark memory, dragging Izaya into the past and allowing him to vividly relive that horrible moment when-

"Orihara-san, are you alright?" The concerned voice of Asuka- no, not Asuka, he had to remind himself- speaking softly near his ear, only then realizing her hand was gently resting on his shoulder, stopping from shaking him once its owner realized he was back in the present. Celty was also right there, nervous and worried, typing rapidly on her PDA.

[What happened? Are you okay? Should I get Shinra?]

The dullahan practically shoved the PDA in his face, barely restraining herself from waving in front of those red-brown eyes.

Celty's words made Izaya briefly wonder about where the doctor had run off to, but he told himself to focus and reassure the two that he was more fine than he looked and that nothing had happened, even though he was not fine and something had happened and Shizuo had been too slow to save him. He curled his hands into fists, digging his nails into his skin until they pricked the surface and a thin stream of blood trickled down the palms of his hands.

He distracted himself from the bitterness by focusing on the expectant, yet patient look on Not Asuka's face.

"I'm fine," he purred, putting on the most believable smile he could manage. "Just got a little caught up in remembering something. I wanted to remember as much as I could."

Celty seemed to perk up, even though she was a little worried about what Izaya might have remembered, since she wasn't sure what he did and didn't remember.

[What did you remember, if you don't mind sharing?]

Izaya shook his head, indicating the dark-haired woman with a brief glance, noticing the second cigarette was gone and she was lighting up a third after being reassured that Izaya was fine.

It made Izaya wonder why she took up smoking and whether it was some sort of habit, or a nervous tick. The thrill of human observation was not something he had forgotten, no matter how much he'd been roughed up and despite his reservations towards Not Asuka since she knew about his condition not being optimal, he was curious about her. That he couldn't deny.

He'd been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed Celty seeing her guest off until she walked back up to him and held up her PDA expectantly.

[I know you're not okay, so don't lie to me. What did you remember? Was it one of the incidents?]

Izaya was about to respond when his blood froze and his heart quickened. He had to read the words a second time to make sure he read them right, his blood turning cold as a disturbing feeling flared up from inside his chest.

" _One_ of?" He breathed, not even realizing he'd said it aloud as panic and fear slammed into his body with a terrifying ferocity, so fierce that for a moment, he couldn't even breathe and he lost his voice, drowning in the darkness of his overwhelming and confusing emotions as his chest tightened and tears wet his eyes.

Celty panicked and tried to calm the man down but nothing seemed to help. She sent a frantic text to Shinra while she tried to comfort Izaya in the meantime, but she wasn't sure what to do and Izaya only seemed to be getting worse.

Izaya was cursing the insistent smell of smoke left by Not Asuka on his stinging eyes and burning lungs. Not on his mental instability and weakened emotional control. He collapsed into Celty, but clung to consciousness as the dullahan held him up, preventing him from falling.

He choked and gasped for air, clinging to Celty only to keep himself standing and not because he needed the comfort of another person. It's not like she was the one he needed, or wanted, anyways.


	11. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinra’s not the only one who comes back...

* * *

_When the panic abated and he got his breathing back under control, he fixed a stare on the cruel sadist watching him slowly break from the slow torture. For now, he was fine since they were leaving him alone, but he assumed that was mostly because their leader, whom he assumed was the sadist sitting and gloating surely in front of him, wanted to talk with him now and not beat him half to death and then tear his skin open._

_He still felt pulses of rage shake his body at the thought that he was getting hurt just to hurt Shizuo, whom he hated, and he couldn't understand how hurting him could hurt the beast emotionally when they hated each other but the stupid sadist could simply be one of those people, like Erika, who had a misconception about his and Shizuo's relationship, mistaking it for **love** , of all things._

_The thought was enough to make Izaya disgusted and his lip curled before he even realized it._

_It was too late, however, to take back his mistake, when one of the men rushed over and kicked him harshly square in the face, hard enough for Izaya's nose to make an ear-splitting sound and gush blood down his face in bountiful streams of crimson._

_The smell was nauseating, but luckily he blacked out just as some of the men were beginning to abuse his body again, and he thus managed to prevent them from hearing his pained screams he had silenced while he'd been conscious._

__———_ _

__Izaya almost cried in relief when he heard the front door open and was certain that Shinra must have returned when Celty perked up from trying to comfort him. His panic attack might have calmed in severity, but it had remained a quiet disturbance, keeping him from a mask of calm indifference, keeping him from the illusion that everything was fine. All Shinra needed to do was take one glance at him and he would know something wasn’t right.__

__"Izaya, what's wrong?" The doctor rushed to his side, pulling Izaya away from his beloved to assess Izaya's condition._ _

__[He remembered something.]_ _

__He barely registered the words Celty showed the doctor until he heard a soft gasp, that hadn't come from Shinra. His spine prickled with a bolt of nervous fear, thinking another person he didn’t know had seen his disheveled appearance.__

__His eyes raised to meet Shizuo's, and his whole mind went blank as he stiffened._ _

__"Izaya, please-" He thought he heard Shinra say, but Izaya wasn't listening._ _

__His head was reeling with the last memory he had of Shizuo, of the beast kissing him with no warning. And he had no idea that that kiss was supposed to be the end to everything with Shizuo. But now he was here, after at least a week of not showing up, and he showed up right when Izaya was at his worst._ _

__Izaya couldn't control the torrent of emotions that tore at his mind and he broke free from Shinra and stormed over to Shizuo, face wet with tears and seething anger and despair and sorrow, and hit the man straight across the face._ _

__Shizuo didn't even flinch away, taking the hit silently and Izaya didn't see even a hint of rage on the man's features and his suspicions only deepened._ _

__"You're a_ **liar** _," he hissed at Shizuo, trying to force himself to calm down. But that's not how panic attacks work, unfortunately, and his breaths were still ragged and desperate as he spoke. "Shi~zu-chan!"_ _

__"Izaya, wait, please stop!" He felt Shinra tug on one of his arms, but he brushed off the doctor and focused all of his attention on his blonde enemy. He wouldn’t let the doctor interrupt him even if they were friends.__

"Why the _hell_ did you wait?" He snarled, focusing on his anger to push through the pain and agony of having a panic attack right in front of his most (beloved) hated enemy. "You know it's your fucking fault that I got hurt, don't you?"

__He heard Shinra gasp but he ignored it, pushing forward while carefully studying Shizuo's face to see how much of what he had guessed was true. Some of what he said and planned to say, he already knew to be true from what he had remembered but everything else, theories he had crafted when his mind was a little sharper and clearer than it had been, he was testing to find out whether it was true using Shizuo's reactions and tells to figure it out._ _

__But his body had other plans and the pain of the panic attack became too much to bear as he sagged into Shizuo, all the while cursing himself for it because he wanted answers before the comfort of Shizuo that he desperately needed._ _

__He clung to the blonde as he tried to steady his breathing but he kept remembering things and it was so painful, he felt like he was going insane. His hands tensed on Shizuo’s forearms, his breaths being torn out of his lungs with every second that passed.__

__"I-Idiot, I h-hate you, s-stupid protozoan." He hissed out between sobs, but that soothing scent he remembered from when Shizuo took him away from his apartment tickled his nose, helping him catch his breath and level out his breathing. His mind cleared a little, becoming a little sharper and a little less uncontrollable. Before he can stop himself, he wraps his arms around the all-too-familiar man, burying his face in that all-too-familiar bartender uniform the stupid brute always wore. "Why did you do this, you idiot? You ruined everything..." He hits Shizuo's chest weakly with one still healing hand, still wrapped neatly in bandages in the hopes to prevent the wounds from reopening, all normal uses aside._ _

__Shizuo doesn't move, nor does he say anything, his eyes meeting Shinra's while the doctor watches, unsure. Shizuo raises a hand, lets it hover over Izaya's head, wanting to comfort him but not sure if he should. After all, the Izaya he knew and had fallen in love with hated being belittled, hated being pitied. Shoving away all the complicated, twisting thoughts in his brain, he gently pats Izaya on the head, running his fingers through the dark locks without much thought. Things were so much simpler this way, but he knew he couldn't just continue looking the other way. Not after seeing what happened the last time he had done that._ _

__He couldn't let Izaya out of his sight now, couldn't leave Izaya when he was so_ vulnerable _, which was so dangerous for the man when so many hated him, when so many were eager to kill the man, or worse._ _

__"I'm sorry, Izaya..." He murmured, holding the trembling flea in his arms as the man slowly stopped sobbing, stopped breathing so heavily. "I'm sorry."_ _

__Shinra was shocked, speechless, when he saw how easily Shizuo managed to calm Izaya, when his beloved had failed after minutes upon minutes of trying to calm the poor man down._ _

__The whole room seemed to have warmed to Izaya, the air felt lighter and more breathable and his body relaxed, calmed by that familiar soothing scent, even when he knew to whom that scent belonged to. His grip relaxed, now loosely clinging to the folds of Shizuo’s shirt as his body smoothed out the tension that had been ruining tight through the flex of his muscles.__

__But although his panic attack had subsided, his mind had returned to chaotic destruction. He was so confused and his thoughts were conflicting and some of them felt like they didn't even belong to him, but someone else. Was it possible that Orihara Izaya had become multiple people? Had his world been so distorted when he'd been robbed of his memories through savagery and blunt trauma? Had he changed so much just because his mind had become hazy and vague and nothing made sense?_ _

__"Stupid, stupid, stupid," He muttered, still lightly hitting Shizuo. "You were too late...why did you come so late? I-I didn't know why I was there and it, it was so painful and you weren't there and it was all very wrong..." He trailed off when his eyes began to water again after he'd already stopped crying. He was getting himself worked up again, but at the least the tightness in his throat wasn’t so bad and he could still manage to breathe fairly well, so he didn’t quite mind.__

__Shizuo pulled away and Izaya felt everything become so cold again and the world spun and he felt so alone and abandoned and he knew it all along...That Shizuo would abandon him because his '_ **love** _' only reached so far and nothing could ever work out between them-_ _

__He grabbed Shizuo's wrist in a panic, feeling icy cold and knowing he couldn't let Shizuo leave because as much as he (wanted to hate) hated Shizuo, it felt too awful, much more awful without him. His grip instinctively tightened, fearing that Shizuo could escape his grasp and trying not to think that he still probably could because this was Shizuo and he had that ridiculous amount of strength concealed in the flex of his arms and the definition of his muscles.__

__Eyes brimming with tears and a tight, cold pain residing in his chest that he still couldn't identify, he further tightened his grip on Shizuo's wrist, swallowing his pride, practically tossing it aside because he wouldn't let the only man who could help him in his world of darkness, regardless of what he had done, leave him alone in that terrible, lonely darkness. He couldn’t stand that, not anymore.__

__He met Shizuo's brown eyes with his own reddish ones and smiled faintly at him, just a slight curl of his lips at the corners of his mouth as his eyes gleamed pleadingly.__

__"Don't go." A single plea, that was all he would give. If Shizuo refused, perhaps that would be the true end of it. If he didn't let go, then maybe they could work things out, together._ _

__Shizuo didn't break eye contact, and the smallest hints of a smile tugged at his lips._ _

__He brought Izaya closer to himself and whispered softly into his ear, his breath against Izaya's ear sending a prickling sensation down his spine,_ _

__"I won't. Not again."_ _

__Izaya cried and he rejoiced because he could breathe again._ _


	12. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback chapter from Shizuo’s point of view

_It had been one of their low periods, at a time when they were struggling in their disastrous relationship, when everything started. Maybe that's why he'd ignored it for so long, been too slow to chase after that receding, broken, bloody, bruised back and drag the flea away from the mess he had caused, not Izaya, not Celty, or Shinra, nor anyone else._

_The blame rested squarely on him._

_He kind of knew something was going to happen but he hadn't expected them to go after Izaya of all people, he'd thought most people still believed they hated each other, since they could always fall back on the facade, their game of charades, their infamous dynamic...He'd thought they might go after Kasuka or his family, but his family had been fine._

_If he had known that they were aware that he had a relationship with Izaya other than one built on hatred, he wouldn't have kept his distance from Izaya, would have kept him close, would have made sure they couldn't hurt him in the way that they did. But he hadn’t known so he had done nothing._

_But even after he brought the flea back the first time, Izaya had made it clear everything was over and that's why he'd been dragged back into the darkness a second time, yes he knew about that even when Celty and Shinra had tried to keep it from him, because it was the second time when he lost the most of his memories and they had to believe he really was stupid to not notice._

_And he failed Izaya even a third time, even if he had left Izaya with Vorona and was only gone a short while...He wanted to blame it on Vorona, but she'd already repeatedly apologized and he didn't even want to remember it anymore. Besides, at the end of the day, it was still all his fault._

_He wanted to leave things to Shinra, but he also felt the burning need to take responsibility for what his actions had caused because this was all his fault..._

_And no matter what anyone said otherwise, they couldn't change his mind because he had the solid proof of his memory._

_———_

_The man looked horrified and enraged, rushing immediately to the side of his fallen comrade, who, unbeknownst to Shizuo at the time, was the man's younger brother._

_The man glared at him from beside his injured sibling, a burning vengeance in his eyes._

_"How dare you," he snarled, spitting viciousness. "You'll pay dearly for harming my brother like this! And I'll find the perfect way to make you understand the pain." The man swore, as a few of his other friends rushed to pick up the younger brother._

_The man kept eye contact as they made a tactful retreat, seething with positive rage._

_At the time, Shizuo had first dismissed it, thinking the man would foolishly try to kill him and fail, but it was only later her considered the possibility that he might go after Kasuka or his parents._

_He bristled with rage just at the thought. No one hurt Kasuka or his family._

_No, back then he really had no idea the man's true intentions because he went after someone Shizuo had entirely not expected: Izaya._

_———_

_Even though they'd been at the part of their constant cycle (of being 'enemies', 'lovers', or 'friends') where they could be described as enemies, he still knew something was up because he hadn't seen Izaya in longer than usual._

_And at first, he'd tried his damned hardest to ignore it, not wanting to believe anything bad had happened to the flea, especially not because of him._

_But he'd already told Celty about the man's promise, even when at the time he hadn't been that concerned about it, thinking it was just empty words or something of the sort, so he had nothing to lose by asking if either Shinra or Celty knew anything about Izaya's whereabouts._

_And of course, his suspicions had been confirmed the first time he had saved Izaya._

_The guilt only heightened each time Izaya disappeared again, and it was only made worse when the flea was deprived of his most valuable weapon and tool; information._

_But that also meant that maybe the flea didn't know about why he'd suffered like that, maybe he didn't even remember that any of that had ever happened..._

_But he knew just how much information meant to Izaya. Leaving the man in the dark was like cursing him to die._

_Yet why was he still hesitating?_

_The thought of an Izaya that hated him, the thought of an Izaya that pushed him away was imprinted on his memory. Because it wasn't just a thought, it was a memory._

_A memory of an Izaya who no longer wanted anything to do with Shizuo and it was all his own fault..._

_———_

_Shinra knew how bad Izaya was doing even if the man got progressively better at hiding it, a reassurance to him that at least Izaya was mentally recovering slowly. But he knew that could change the second Izaya remembered what had happened to him during any of the incidents and he knew the fragile balance that had been achieved couldn't last long._

_So when Shizuo had gone back to never answering any of his calls, only calling at his own leisure, he physically went out and sought the blonde. Because yes, he was suffering, but Izaya needed him and as much as Shinra knew how much it pained Shizuo to be repeatedly rejected and shunned by an Izaya who only remembered the hatred, the two of them needed each other in order to heal and move past the pain._

_He told Celty that he was going to find Shizuo and bring him back even if he had to force the man to, even willing to resort to drugging him or knocking him unconscious, and planned to head out that morning. Before he left though, his beloved pleasantly surprised him when she said she was going to test Izaya's memory with the help of someone she had met on one of her jobs, a woman who's real name she didn't know (she had introduced herself to Celty as Yukimura Mikazuki and to someone else as Kawasaki Ayaka, both of which were fake names), because said woman was a great actress and was capable, if Izaya didn't have all his memories, of fooling even Izaya. And Celty trusted the woman because she'd seen for herself just how kind and selfless 'Mikazuki' was and hadn't sensed anything dangerous about her._

_(And despite the fact that she never gives her real name as far as anyone knows, she's quite open about herself to Celty, and for as long as Celty had known her, never gone against her word, and she'd promised Celty she wouldn't do anything when around Izaya except what was asked of her, excluding smoking.)_

_Although a little hesitant to let someone he didn't know help, he agreed to Celty's plan because he was glad she wanted to help even if she had never really liked Izaya. He also wanted to trust Celty’s judgement. If she trusted this woman, then he would too._

_He left their apartment to Celty and set off to look for Shizuo, which of course, wasn't very difficult when the man stood out almost everywhere he went._

_When Shinra called out to him, he seemed rather surprised the doctor had come to him in person, but it wasn't that hard to believe when he considered the fact that it was the one way Shinra could get into contact with him._

_When the two had gone off to have their conversation in private, away from prying eyes and ears, Shinra immediately began trying to persuade Shizuo, trying ever method of persuasion he could think of that wouldn't land him in the hospital._

_While trying to convince Shizuo to go to his apartment with him, his phone beeped and he felt his heart stop for a moment when he saw Celty's message._

_[Izaya's having a panic attack and it looks really bad, come back quickly!]_

_He felt a tremble shake his hand and he stared down in shock at the message. Sure, he knew Izaya was still doing bad but he expected the man to get better, not worse, with time._

_Shizuo seemed to notice something was wrong, disturbed by the doctor's sudden silence._

_"What's wrong, Shinra?"_

_Shinra felt a flare of anger and he grabbed Shizuo by the wrist, staring the man straight in the eyes._

_"You're coming with me, and you can't complain. Izaya's having another panic attack and it seems worse than the others. He calms down better when you're around, you know that quite well, don't you?" The barb in Shinra's voice was clear and Shizuo had no retorts for the doctor._

_He couldn't deny that he still wanted to see Izaya even if the feeling wasn't exactly mutual, not when Izaya only felt hatred towards him. But in the end, he ran after Shinra back to the man's apartment because to hell with leaving the flea alone when he was in such a state, he couldn't do it anymore. He was looking away again and he couldn't allow himself to do it any longer._

_Even if Izaya tried to kill him for it when he got his memories back, he was going to help the flea because in the end, this was all his fault anyways and he should face the consequences of his carelessness and his stupidity._

_He hesitated to enter the apartment, but the glare Shinra sent him over his shoulder was enough to get him to step inside and see just how torn apart Izaya looked while Celty supported him from falling and Shizuo could see just how little control Izaya had, especially compared to before, when he had a myriad of assorted information, not just at his fingertips but in his mind. And he was the reason that Izaya had spiraled out of control and he would be the reason Izaya regained that control. He would not let Izaya be his regret nor would he let himself be Izaya's regret._


	13. Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izaya recollects himself and Shizuo is there to provide support...Even if some part of Izaya doesn’t want it, not from Shizuo, at least...

_'Izaya? Izaya!'_

_When his consciousness began to return, all that he could feel was pain. Everything hurt so acutely and all at once and it was too much. He didn't want to move nor did he want to ponder on who was calling out to him, not when the voice might have been familiar and he didn't want to remember anyone who (had been) was familiar to him because at the moment, he hated everyone with a passion. He, who loved humans, loathed them at this moment when he was so like them that it was unbearable. He didn't move from where he lay on his stomach on the floor._

_'Orihara-san!'_

_A different voice this time._

_He groaned, raising his eyes only to feel his eyes burn at the blinding sunlight entering the room which had always been dark and damp and musky and smelled like blood._

_He couldn't see much, only the vague outline, a silhouette of someone standing a little ways away, surrounded by the bright rays of sunlight reaching into the dark crevices. No one else seems to be around, not a single other person..._

_'Orihara-san! Can you hear me?'_

_He narrows his eyes against the harsh light he hadn't seen in so long (how long?) and tried to place that voice._

_But something told him not to, so he stopped trying trying to place the voice and also trying to make out the features of the person. He let himself remain on the floor and he slipped back into darkness._

__———_ _

__It takes quite a bit of coaxing to get him to stop crying and Shizuo brings him over to the kitchen table so Izaya can sit down since he could barely stand when he was so weak and someone had always been supporting him just so he wouldn't fall over. Izaya sat down without a word, oddly quiet, but it's likely just the calm before the storm.__

__Shinra and Celty are kind (and wise) enough to leave the two of them alone and give them some space, sensing the tension and knowing it's something a little too personal to stick around for. Shizuo gave a silent nod at the two when they left the room without any disturbance, before he sat down across from Izaya.__

__For a while, they both just sit in silence while Izaya fully calms down and gathers his scattered thoughts together because Shizuo was here, and he was so conflicted and confused on whether he wanted Shizuo to be there or not. Objectively, he knew it was best for Shizuo to be there since he always managed to calm him down, but he still felt such strong **hatred** towards Shizuo that he wasn't quite sure what to do._ _

__Izaya took another breath and looked back over at Shizuo who had an unreadable expression on his face, though his warm mocha eyes seemed sad and worried. Izaya wished he knew what Shizuo was thinking. He wanted to say something, but Shizuo spoke first, tone soft and quiet.__

__"I'm sorry, Izaya," He murmured. "I won't leave you again."_ _

__"Why? Why did you wait so long?" Izaya asked, shaking his head ever so slightly. He could barely meet Shizuo's gaze when he was still an emotional wreck, even if his panic attack had already ended, but he wanted answers, he wanted the truth and not everyone acting like at any moment they could step on a minefield and set him off. Because even if Celty had unknowingly set off his last panic attack, he wanted and needed information and knowledge because that would provide him more stability than most other things. It helped make him feel whole, complete, and it helped to stop making him feel like he was so useless, so burdensome to others._ _

__"I'm sorry, I-I," Shizuo choked up when he felt so suffocatingly guilty about everything. "I wasn't sure at first if something bad h-had happened to you, but by the time I confirmed it with Celty, you'd already been there f-for so long." He admitted, it was all the truth, but he left out the hesitance he had felt because he didn't want Izaya to know because he felt so ashamed of himself. It was as though he'd forgotten how much Izaya meant to him just because they'd been in the middle of a fight and had gone back to being enemies, essentially._ _

__"That's it?" Izaya questioned, staring off to the side with a blank look in his eyes._ _

__Izaya still looked suspicious, but it was so hard for Shizuo to say anything when the man looked one step from breaking down again and that was one of the last things Shizuo wanted to happen to Izaya. He swallowed thickly, wishing there was more he could do for Izaya after everything that had happened.__

__Shizuo can't stand it, can't stand this because this is never what he wanted. Of course it wasn't._ _

__When he stood up suddenly and the chair screeched behind him, Izaya flinched, and his eyes darted over towards Shizuo with a telltale fear that should have never come to exist in those reddish eyes. Shizuo felt a flicker of rage in his chest, a growl forming at his lips, but he doesn't make a sound, too concerned about how Izaya might take it the wrong way so he took a__ __pause to let Izaya recollect himself because he doesn't need to rush anything and he feared what will happen if he does._ _

__Izaya seemed to relax so he stepped around the table and stood to Izaya's left, taking a calming breath only to catch the lingering smell of cigarettes. Momentarily pushing that discovery aside, he focused on Izaya, meeting the man's eyes and feeling another spike of guilt at the evident hurt, pain, **betrayal** in his eyes. _ _

__"Izaya, I'm sorry. I...I should have done something. I'm sorry." He apologized sincerely, eyes searching Izaya's face with a sad gleam in their depths.__

__Staring into those earnest mocha eyes, Izaya felt his chest tighten and his throat choked up and he couldn't say anything and he didn't want to rely on Shizuo but maybe that was all he could do. Just in order to get better, just until he got better.__

__He shakily stood, supporting himself by placing his hands on the table, and faced Shizuo because if he wasn't going to run away, then neither would he. No more running away and avoiding things that should never been avoided. No more looking away from the things he didn't want to see._ _

__When he stumbled, he should have expected that Shizuo would catch him, but he couldn't help the rip of fear that tugged at his beating heart and when Shizuo pulled him closer, he doesn't originally react. He stared at Shizuo a little blankly, a little warily because his mind was still in disarray and there was that nagging voice telling him, reminding him that he wasn't **just** enemies with Shizuo, there was something more he still didn't know about and maybe it had to do with those unidentifiable feelings accompanying the hatred and the pain and the hurt and the confusion and the indignation and the fury. _ _

__He pathetically tried to push Shizuo away, but he wasn't even sure if that was what he wanted, and Shizuo didn't even budge._ _

__"I'm going to keep all my promises to you this time, Izaya. I won't let you get hurt again." The rest of his words go unspoken when he looks down and meets Izaya's eyes and he knows he'd messed up so badly, but now he was going to fix it, fix everything and help Izaya remember and help him through it because it would be emotionally taxing even on Izaya, if his current state was any indication._ _

__Izaya gave up trying to pull away, and he blames it on the fact that he was too tired, too weak. It was definitely not because he needed the comfort, definitely not because he enjoyed the warmth and that soothing scent like lavender or jasmine, definitely not because he felt something other than hatred towards Shizuo. And definitely not because the smell of cigarettes in the apartment reminded him of things he had forgotten, vague and wispy memories of some mock domesticity in some other place with the smell of lavender and eucalyptus and eggs in the air and with something comfortable and Shizuo was there..._ _

So they had been something else, but to him it looked like some faux mockery of domesticity that could not exist between him and Shizuo because it didn't make sense and they couldn't have ever gotten along that well. Or so he would have believed but here Shizuo was, close and warm and comforting, so soothing and calming and the man was clearly worried about him. And so Izaya doesn't fight it, even if some instinctual part of him feels the need so desperately because this was _Shizuo_ and he was dangerous.

__Izaya rested his head against Shizuo's shoulder, letting that scent he can't quite place wash over him, and sighed, trying to ignore the slight tremors still wracking his body because he's still too emotional and he doesn't know how to handle the situation. But if Shizuo wanted to help, and that helped him, it was probably for the best if they healed together because even in his state, he could see that Shizuo was different, that there was something weighing heavily on his mind and slowly destroying him from the inside out. Maybe the incidents had ruined them both, and maybe Izaya wasn't the only one who needed to heal._ _


	14. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shizuo does his best to regain Izaya’s trust, discusses some things with Celty and Shinra, but...
> 
> Izaya’s not ready to be left alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long :/
> 
> It’s writer’s block, and it’s been pretty bad for certain stories...including this one.
> 
> Hopefully, I can update it a little sooner like I used to, but for now, the updates will probably be every week or so? I feel bad because my chapters are still pretty short...
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter (it has some cuddling towards the end (; )
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_Now the woman who had introduced herself to Celty as Yukimura Mikazuki had expected the job of rescuing  
Orihara Izaya to be messy, but she hadn't expected the man to pass out in the first few moments she was there. Her main reassurance was that she had managed to take care of the problem rather peacefully, and hadn't had to resort to complete and utter violence. Because unlike her sister, who was too kind for the world and couldn't act on violence, she was much less able to restrain herself from her violent and sadistic urges that she sometimes indulged in because she wasn't, rather she couldn't, always be a woman of words._

_She sighed, shaking aside her thoughts while waving her cigarette-holding right hand in the air as though that would banish her thoughts. She hefted the unconscious Izaya over her shoulder, brought him to her car, set him down carefully on three of the seats, and called Celty, but she didn't do any of this before extinguishing the life of her cigarette under the toe of one of her leather shoes._

———

Shizuo convinced Izaya to rest on the bed in the room Shinra had been allowing him to use by promising to answer Izaya's questions. He knew he would have to answer to them at one point and he might as well get them out of the way, because he not only wanted Izaya to trust him, he needed him to trust him if they were going to heal together and fix everything that had been ruined by his mistake. He was going to mend Izaya's broken trust in him just as he was going to help Izaya pick up the broken pieces of himself; who he was, who he had been, and who he would be until maybe Izaya seemed more like Izaya rather than the broken, emotional wreck Shizuo had just seen before Izaya had calmed down. He knew it was possible for Izaya to recover from this. 

Shizuo didn't leave Izaya's side until the man had fallen fast asleep, answering as many of his questions as he could because he knew that he had to be honest with Izaya to rebuild the trust that Izaya had lost in him.

After waiting a while to make certain the informant was actually asleep, he stepped out of the room for just a moment, closing the door softly behind him.

[How was he?] Celty typed at the same time that Shinra asked the same.

"For now, he's fine, he remembered some small things, but nothing really concrete. It might be better just to tell him rather than wait for him to remember..." Shizuo mused, sighing softly.

He pulled out a cigarette and it was only then he remembered how the apartment had had the faint smell of cigarettes when he'd first arrived.

"Celty, was someone else here before Shinra and I got here?" He asked, lighting up the cigarette.

[Oh, actually there was...How did you know?]

"The smell. There was a lingering smell of smoke. Who was it?" If it was anyone who could put Izaya in danger again...Before he even realized it, he'd crushed the cigarette between his teeth into shreds. Celty took a hasty step back, more out of instinct than fear, typing rapidly before showing Shizuo the screen.

[Ah, she's a friend! You don't have to worry,] Celty typed rapidly, seeming to sense Shizuo's rage beginning to boil. [She's helped me before, and with...Never mind, but she's trustworthy!]

Shizuo calmed down slightly, but still frowned. He tossed out the ruined cigarette and lit a new one. He had caught on, even though Celty hadn't finished her thought.

"So she's the one who rescued Izaya the time he lost most of his memories..." Shizuo narrowed his eyes. Celty and Shinra looked at each other nervously.

"So you knew?" Shinra stated, more of an observation than a question. "That there was three incidents and not two."

"Just by sheer likelihood I figured the chances of him losing his memories by happenstance were much slimmer than losing them due to any other reason. Which is why I figured there was likely another incident." Shizuo replied.

"I see. I should have expected as much." Shinra sighed.

[If you knew about the second incident, then why did you leave him? How did he get taken away a third time?] Celty tilted her helmet, holding her PDA out for Shizuo to read.

Shizuo winced and took a drag of his cigarette. There was a tug at his heart, where the guilt was still eating away. Shinra and Celty deserved an explanation, though.

"I left him with Vorona, for just a short while. I had planned on going back, but it was already too late. Vorona tried to protect him, but she failed to, so he was taken a third time."

[So it was just an accident...]

Shizuo frowned at Celty's words.

"It doesn't matter if it was just an accident, because of it, Izaya got hurt again. He was already not doing well since he had already lost so many of his memories. He wouldn't have even known why they were doing what they did." He muttered, putting out his cigarette and running a hand through his blonde hair, ruffling it into further messiness.

"It's not your fault, though, Shizuo. You don't control the actions of others. You couldn't have known they would go after Izaya."

Shizuo sighed, running a hand over his face to calm himself.

"It's still my fault they went after him. Either they were like Erika, or Izaya and I slipped up and certain people realized something had changed between us. Otherwise, going after Izaya wouldn't make much sense."

[Shizuo...]

"You need to stop-" Shinra trailed off halfway when a pained scream ripped through the air. He met Shizuo's wide brown eyes for just a second before the blonde was rushing to the guest room.

———

_It was dark, it was so dark and it smelled horrible. He felt so cold, even though there was still a warm, steady trickle of blood sliding across his skin. He heard footsteps, cruel voices and he screamed silently. It was too much, too **much**. Hadn't they done enough? He whimpered as they came closer, jeering at his miserable state and then the process started all over again..._

Izaya screamed, jolting up in the bed, panting and gasping for breath, eyes wild and unfocused as he slowly realized he was still at Shinra's. But he no longer felt safe. His gaze darted around the room when it sharpened and a wave of terror washed over him.

_Where was Shizuo?_

_He said he wouldn't leave._

_Liar._

_Liarliarliarliar_

He froze when he saw more than heard the door handle turn down and the door push open. He raised his eyes from the handle to meet the concerned brown eyes of Shizuo. He flinched away from the blonde, moving back towards the headboard of the bed fearfully because at this moment, he couldn't remember what was safe anymore. Was Shinra's apartment safe? _No, not anymore._ Was Shizuo safe? _He wasn't sure yet. Because Shizuo was a **liar**._

He eyed Shizuo nervously as the blonde slowly approached, hands up in a placating and non-threatening gesture until he reached the side of the bed.

"Izaya, it's okay. I'm here to help you. Are you okay? What happened? What's wrong?" Shizuo still maintained a slight distance from Izaya as the man stared at him as though if he looked away he'd be attacked mercilessly.

Izaya just shook his head slowly, trying to scoot further away from the blonde, his body cold and his heart banging against his ribs violently. He couldn't answer because just breathing was difficult, but then something changed. The spike of fear as his memory cleared to bring back the horrible images of what had been done to him, and suddenly he didn't like being so alone, couldn't stand it. Shizuo blinked when Izaya suddenly scooted back towards him and threw his arms around his waist, burying his face into Shizuo's chest, breathing heavily.

"S-Shizuo." He gasped out, tightening his grip on Shizuo.

Shizuo instantly relaxed right away, stepping closer to the bed so it was easier for the both of them. He placed one hand around Izaya's back, to trace reassuring circles on his back, and the other on Izaya's head, to run his fingers reassuringly through the man's hair.

"It's okay, Izaya," he whispered softly. "You're safe now. It was just a nightmare. They can't get to you again. I'm here for you, don't worry."

Izaya trembled under the gentle touch, still vividly remembering the cruel and brutal beatings he'd received, the bruises and the blood...He whimpered and pulled himself even closer to Shizuo, trying to drown himself in Shizuo's comforting scent, in his comforting presence, in hopes that would banish the dark memories and thoughts plaguing his mind.

"S-Shizuo, please..." He begged, pressing his face even more into the blonde, not even sure what he was begging for, only that he needed something he couldn't explain.

Shizuo hugged him closer, murmuring a soft apology for not being there when he woke up, pulling him into the warmth of his embrace to fight away the cold in Izaya's skin as much as it was in his mind.

"Shh, Izaya, just go back to sleep. I'll be here the whole time so you don't have to worry, no one will be able to hurt you while I am here..." He murmured, stroking Izaya's head gently, and cradling the still trembling, though much significantly, man to his chest to keep him warm and provide the comfort of another's presence.

Izaya let out a shaky sigh as his body stopped feeling so cold, and his breathing steadied out, and his trembling all but ceased. He didn't want to think about how much he was relying on Shizuo, and luckily he was too tired to dwell on it. After so many nights of not sleeping well, the exhaustion was quick to come, and his eyelids drooped and he didn't fight it as sleep overtook him while Shizuo was still holding him gently and carefully in his embrace. If Shizuo was there, maybe he could finally sleep undisturbed by the things he wanted to forget. Maybe if he _trusted_ Shizuo again...Maybe if he gave Shizuo a second chance...Things would be better than they were even before everything that had happened.


	15. Stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry this took so long! I had trouble figuring out how to start this chapter and I’ve been a little busy with school (and my mental state has been not so great haha...) 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_Izaya woke up back in his apartment, cold and afraid and alone. Or so he thought. The heavy smell of cigarette smoke permeated the room as his eyes adjusted to the dark since the lights were off. His eyes caught the glint of the burning end of the cigarette, surrounded by swirls of gray smoke, before they trailed up to meet eyes like two chips of ice-blue sapphire. The woman put out the cigarette when she saw he was awake, sliding off the arm of the couch she was half-sitting, half-leaning on and sighing._

_"Well, I think my job here is done. If you need any help...," the woman trailed off, licking her lips nervously before she just shrugged. "Never mind. Just don't forget that there are people willing to help you." The dark-haired woman turned, but didn't immediately move as if to leave._

_Izaya wanted to ask something, but he couldn't even find his voice while his mind raced and twisted and throbbed and nothing was making sense. His thoughts slipped out of his fingers whenever he tried to pin one down and he was left grasping at straws that told him nothing._

_A shudder wracked his body, and he grabbed at a fallen blanket on the floor, pulling it tight over himself as the woman walked away._

_Well, now it seemed he was alone._

———

As soon as Izaya's eyes fluttered open, they flitted around the room rapidly, desperately, until they rested on the face of not a stranger, but someone else. Shizuo was in a chair that was pulled up to the left side of the bed, head resting against the mattress, appearing blissfully at peace as he slept. Izaya's lips twitched at the sight of the sleeping blonde and for just a moment, he allowed himself to take in the appearance of Shizuo. Unconsciously, his hand reached out towards Shizuo, to sweep the blonde locks out of his face so they wouldn't cover his eyes, but when he realized what he was doing, his hand stopped immediately, stalling just inches away from brushing the hair. He retracted his hand slowly, a whirl of confusion tearing through him as he looked at Shizuo.

He knew he needed Shizuo by his side, at least for now, but he wasn't sure he was ready for everything that came along with it. Painful memories he wanted to forget, old fights dug up, healing wounds torn back open...His eyelids lowered slightly, his lips pursing into a small pout.

Shizuo's eyes slowly opened then and when he looked up at Izaya and the face he was making, a small smile crossed his lips and his gaze grew soft.

"Good morning, 'Zaya," he mumbled sleepily, still not fully awake. "Sleep well?"

Izaya stared at Shizuo for a moment, too absorbed by looking at him that he didn't process the words right away.

"Oh, I guess," he answered quietly, looking at his hands once he realized he should stop staring at the blonde. "What about you?"

Shizuo sat up slowly, blinking away the sleepiness from his eyes, and focused back on Izaya. Izaya wished he hadn't snuck a glance at Shizuo, weak to the sight of his messy blonde bedhead and sleepy smile. It wasn't something he could easily forget.

"Good, I slept well," he said, and he gazed at Izaya fondly. "I missed you, Izaya."

The words hit hard on Izaya, a torrent of confusion tearing through him and a strange, but not unpleasant, tightening in his chest following. It felt like Shizuo was talking straight to him for once. Not the Izaya who remembered everything, even though the words seemed to say just that. But it was the way Shizuo said them, the way he looked at Izaya so adoringly that caused Izaya's face to flush and his heart rate to accelerate.

How on earth had they messed up this badly?

His mouth was dry but he managed to quirk his lips into a lopsided smile as he looked back at Shizuo.

"I...I missed you, too." He admitted quietly, fiddling his hands on his lap and looking down.

It was true even if he didn't want to admit it. He had somewhat remembered the good times he'd spent with Shizuo, before everything that had happened, when they hadn't been enemies. He almost flinched when there was a soft, warm, hesitant touch against his hands and when he looked up again, Shizuo looked slightly confused and nervous, but kind, gentle. Izaya felt his mouth fall open and for a moment, the two enemies stared each other in the eyes before Izaya looked away quickly. He felt the warmth leave his hands and when he followed the movement, he saw Shizuo pulling his retracted hand back to his side and starting to stand up.

Izaya froze, eyes darting to Shizuo's face, searching his expression.

"Where are you going?" He demanded, blood turning cold and voice a little sharp with desperation.

Shizuo paused, looking at Izaya carefully, before slowly sitting back down with an almost inaudible sigh.

"I was just going to get you a glass of water," Shizuo sighed, waving a hand loosely as he explained. Izaya felt stupid, his mouth falling open to form a small 'o'. "But if you're not comfortable with that, I can wait. How are you feeling? Do you want to get up, or stay here for longer?" Shizuo's concern felt like a knife through Izaya's chest. The man truly did care for him, but they, both of them it seemed, had messed up, and bad, and now they were here, trying to heal wounds and scars they had ignored for so long.

Izaya didn't look away from Shizuo this time.

"Can you help me stand up?" He asked, holding out his arms towards Shizuo, a small part of him enjoying the confused, but elated look on Shizuo's face. As soon as the blonde went to help him up off the bed, he threw his arms around the taller's neck, burying his face into Shizuo's shoulder and holding back a soft sob.

"I'm sorry, Shizuo, I'm sorry."

Shizuo stiffened, one hand resting on Izaya's back by his shoulder, the other wrapped around the smaller's waist to prevent him from falling.

"What for?" He breathed out, grip tightening ever so slightly. Izaya felt like he was breaking apart.

"I don't know, but I'm sorry," he pressed himself closer to Shizuo like the distance was too much. "I hope I remember one day."

Shizuo sighed softly, raising his one hand to very lightly card his fingers through Izaya's hair, before just slightly pulling away from the smaller, looking down into his eyes.

"It doesn't matter if you remember, Izaya," he said, and his voice sounded raw. "It's enough that you're here, that you've survived. Because you're strong, and you shouldn't believe anyone who tells you otherwise."

Izaya finally couldn't stop himself, and the tears overflowed before he could stop them and he grabbed Shizuo's arms to steady himself. As soon as Shizuo noticed, he pulled the smaller back into a hug, stroking his hair and whispering reassurances quietly while Izaya sobbed into his shirt.

Time passed, and after a while, just as Izaya was calming down, one hand tightly gripping Shizuo’s shirt, the door to the room swung open and Shinra entered, glasses high on the bridge of his nose.

He stopped walking as soon as he saw the two, and he crossed his arms with a look of barely concealed amusement.

“I see the two of you are already awake,” He commented wryly. “Glad you could join us for breakfast.”

Shizuo glanced over with an irritable glare, one arm wrapped protectively around Izaya.

“We were just about to go out to eat breakfast.” He shot back sharply, before glancing back at Izaya, who hadn’t even acknowledged Shinra’s presence in the room.

“I’m sure—- Izaya?” The doctor frowned, stopping his pestering of the blonde when he noticed Izaya was trembling and clinging closely to Shizuo.

“I don’t want to go out,” Izaya whispered, looking small and afraid. Neither Shizuo nor Shinra were sure of what he was afraid of. “I don’t want to go out!” He yelled louder, but it sounded more like a wail.

“Izaya, calm down, we’re just going to the kitchen, we’re not leaving!” Shizuo tried to explain, trying to untangle Izaya from himself. Shinra debated intervening, but he decided he didn’t want Shizuo’s rage directed at him, so he ended up just watching uncertainly, unused to the sight of Izaya like this.

“No! You said you wouldn’t leave! Don’t go!” Izaya screamed, tears streaking down his cheeks.

“Izaya! I’m not leaving, please, please calm down!” Shizuo pleaded, finally detaching the smaller and instead grabbing his hands, squeezing them so that Izaya looked up at him through his tears. Izaya shut up, just quietly staring up at Shizuo with a few hiccuping sobs wracking his body every now and then.

“Izaya, you’re coming with me, okay? We’re just going to the kitchen to have breakfast, that’s all. We’re not leaving this apartment, and I’m not leaving either. No one is going to hurt you here.”

Izaya tightened his grip on Shizuo’s hands, nodding slowly. He wasn’t sure what had come over him, and now he felt strange, like he wasn’t emotionally there in the present. He let Shizuo lead him to the kitchen, Shinra following behind without a word. Izaya felt a stab of shame after realizing Shinra had witnessed his whole breakdown. He was supposed to be getting better, but sometimes he felt like he was teetering up against the edge and just one push was all it took before he broke, again and again. It seemed that, at the moment, maybe he couldn’t stand on his own. He already knew he was reliant on others, Shizuo especially, but maybe it was much, much more than that.


	16. Work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the newest chapter! And just a reminder for those who have already read the previous chapters, I have added onto them a bit if you want to go back and re-read them.
> 
> Anyways, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_He couldn't stand it- he was cold and alone and he couldn't stand it. The nervous glances around his apartment, his need to have as many of the lights on as possible, the panic attacks that crept up on him no matter how hard he tried to suppress them, the disorganized thoughts, the feeling that everything was slowly slipping from his fingers and spiraling out of control- he couldn't stand it, he was so sick of it. Hyperventilate, cry, break down, try to calm down, rinse and repeat day after day. Nothing seemed to change._

_He couldn't call Shinra. Every time he tried, his hands began to shake and his breathing became rapid and irregular and his vision blurred and he just couldn't do it. He just wanted things to go back to how they were- whatever that entailed- because he hated being this weak, being so helpless, being unable to control himself and keep himself together. It was infuriating and frustrating and sometimes he wondered why he even tried. Why he motivated himself to get out of bed every morning, go through the motions of his work with significantly less interest than should have ever been possible, try not to have any more panic attacks, and then at the end of the day, drag himself back to bed, exhausted completely and utterly but still unable to sleep peacefully, haunted by things he couldn't see, things he would remember and wished he could forget._

_But maybe things would work out..._

__\---_ _

__The breakfast was awkward and quiet, especially since it was just Shizuo and Izaya eating, with Shinra lurking about to check on Izaya's wounds, much to Shizuo's chagrin ("It's not the right time for this, Shinra," the blonde had complained). Celty, on the other hand, had had a job, so she had already gone out before the two finally left the guest room. Izaya stared down at his food, pointedly avoiding looking at Shizuo out of an uncomfortable shame- something he wasn't used to- and was more picking at the food than actually eating it._ _

__Shinra noticed and sighed, tsking and lightly pinching his forearm. Izaya hissed in annoyance and rubbed his arm, glaring at the brunette. He was about to complain, but Shinra spoke quickly, after seeing him begin to open his mouth._ _

__"You need to eat, Izaya." Shinra chided, and for a brief moment, looked over at Shizuo, who met his gaze knowingly. That was all the motivation Shinra needed. He knew something had to be said, to make sure Izaya had the right mindset about his recovery. In this case, that was something essential because what had happened had not just been some sort of physical trauma, it had had psychological repercussions as well._ _

__"I don't-" Izaya began, but was quickly cut off by the doctor._ _

__"It's okay, Izaya," he said softly, smiling faintly in understanding. "You'll get better, you're strong and if anyone can pull through this, it's you. You can remember everything, you can get over this and move on. Don't you dare give up or think otherwise. We're all here for you, including me and Celty. You're not alone." Shinra said encouragingly._ _

__Shizuo quickly nodded in agreement, and before Izaya could say anything added,_ _

__"I told you, Izaya. We're here for you and you can get through this. I'm not leaving you anymore. I will not let you go through this alone. I don't want to fail you again." Shizuo's look was full of warmth and comfort, and Izaya vaguely thought that he could stare at him for hours, watching the sun shift over his features until it vanished over the horizon._ _

__Izaya felt the tears slid down warm against his cheeks before he consciously realized he had started crying. The words he'd been keeping to himself suddenly burst from his lips, accompanied by soft sobs and desperate looks at Shizuo._ _

__"I want to get better, I do, but it's so frustrating, and I can't— I can't always find the motivation I need, but I still try but it's not enough, it's never enough and I always seem to be getting worse instead of better and I just want to be the same person I used to be, without the panic attacks, without this stupid, pervasive fear, this paranoia, with my memories intact or at least just feeling like I am a complete person and not some fragment of who I was." He sucked in a breath, meeting the concerned gazes of the other two and suddenly wanting to swallow the words back down his throat. Shizuo slowly, carefully reached a hand out across the table, allowing Izaya to move away if he wanted to, before taking Izaya's hand in his, gently running a thumb across the back of his hand._ _

__"You'll get better, Izaya," Shizuo murmured, eyes sincere as he looked at Izaya with all the softness in the world, a little bit of darkness clinging underneath his eyes that still worried Izaya in the deep recesses of his mind. Izaya felt overwhelmed by his emotions, his heart tearing as he tried to keep himself together. He didn't want to have another breakdown- not now. Shizuo continued, probably acutely aware of his internal conflict, "We'll make this work, we'll get through this together," at that Shizuo smiled tensely, "the both of us, together." He repeated._ _

__"Together?" Izaya echoed, his voice bordering on questioning, hoping for and wanting answers on what was bothering Shizuo. He could only imagine how many sleepless nights the blonde had had, and now he found he only felt concerned. There was a new feeling- a nostalgic feeling- he was nursing in his chest, and maybe, just maybe, he could call it affection._ _

__Shizuo nodded easily._ _

__"Of course. I told you, Izaya, I am not leaving you on your own anymore. I don't want you to get hurt again, ever again." Shizuo answered firmly, perhaps genuinely missing the subtext of Izaya's question, or just ignoring it. Izaya hoped somewhere in his heart that it was desperately the former rather than the latter._ _

__He heard Shinra make a noise of what was probably exasperation and the doctor disappeared down the hallway into one of the apartment rooms, leaving Izaya and Shizuo alone in the kitchen not for the first time._ _

__Shizuo squeezed Izaya's hand, which he was still holding, and Izaya drew his gaze back to the blonde's face. Shizuo looked at him in quiet consideration before he spoke again._ _

__"Are you going to eat now?" He asked quietly, much quieter than before._ _

__Izaya felt his heart swell and almost bit his tongue._ _

__"Yeah," he replied just as softly, but wished that didn't have to mean Shizuo letting go of his hand. "Yeah, of course." He picked up his fork, and this time didn't just push around the food on his plate and actually began to eat. Shizuo followed suit, and a comfortable silence fell over them as they ate._ _

__Shizuo finished first, and he just smiled softly at Izaya, eyes glowing with a warmth and tenderness Izaya hadn't quite remembered ever seeing in him. He felt like he was rediscovering things that should have been obvious and apparent, but every discovery felt like a gentle shock, some dawning on him slowly and others struck him as swift as lightning. He set his silverware on his plate when he finished, and after taking a deep breath, he looked straight at Shizuo._ _

__"I-I forgive you." He whispered, voice raw and quiet, and a little shaky. The words barely had the energy to leave his lips, but they escaped into the air anyways. Shizuo's gaze intensified immediately, and his whole body stiffened. His face hardened and Izaya felt cold, felt like he had misspoken or maybe Shizuo had misheard, or-_ _

__"Izaya," Shizuo began sternly, face impossible for the smaller to read. "Don't force yourself to say that, it comes off as insincere and I know how badly I fucked up so I understand if you won't forgive me. But if I can help you now and in the future, I will do it without hesitation. I want to earn your forgiveness, not be granted it."_ _

__Izaya swallowed, throat tight and eyes watering. He wanted to help Shizuo, too. He knew something was wrong, but it was a matter of figuring out what. He's certain the old Izaya would know, the old Izaya would know everything about Shizuo and know just what to do- but- that Izaya was gone, and he didn't know when, or if, he would ever come back._ _

__He only nodded at Shizuo's words, feeling an ache in his heart and deciding maybe it would be best to ask Shinra about it, maybe the doctor already knew, or suspected, what was going on with Shizuo, and then maybe they could help each other, and Izaya wouldn't be the only one dependent on the other to get through the day without breaking._ _

__While Shizuo brought their dishes over to the sink, Izaya quietly repeated to himself in his mind that everything would work out in the end- it had to, because he feared what would happen if things didn't. He was sick of falling apart and he sure as hell didn't want to see the same happen to Shizuo. He wasn't sure if that was because he was in love with Shizuo, but, to him, it didn't really matter at this point. He just wanted them both to be okay, to work things out, and move past the darkness lingering behind and around them because of all of what they had gone through._ _

__He watched Shizuo place the dishes down on the counter before the blonde turned back to him, catching his gaze._ _

__"Izaya?" He said gently, his voice soft as it floated through the air. It still snapped Izaya back to reality and out of instinct, he smirked back at Shizuo, the old show of distance that lacked the actual emotion of arrogance behind it._ _

__Words danced to the tip of his tongue to reply to Shizuo, but Izaya controlled himself from saying anything, not wanting to slip back into old habits. He swallowed down the words and replaced them quickly._ _

__"Yes?" He replied tentatively, eyeing Shizuo a little warily, wondering where Shizuo was going with this. Shizuo looked at him for a moment, before shaking his head and shrugging it off._ _

__"Nothing. You just looked out of it." He said casually, but he doesn't look at Izaya and Izaya doesn't believe him._ _

__Things had to work out, they had to. Izaya wasn't sure he could stand it otherwise._ _


	17. Ascend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the end of this chapter took basically a complete 180 from what I planned, and I'm really sorry...This chapter was supposed to end with fluff, but yeah, that didn't quite happen exactly. The way this chapter turned out, the story will probably end up being longer than I had originally planned, but maybe that's a good thing?? I don't know...I'm not sure if I'll like this twist on it, so this chapter may be changed...But for now, yeah, this is the chapter...
> 
> It's a bit longer than a typical chapter (over 2000 words compared to the average of 1600) so hopefully that makes up for it taking longer than I had hoped?
> 
> I hope you enjoy...
> 
> ~BurningSwan
> 
> PS: I was originally planning on posting something else announcing that I was going to take a temporary mental health break (mhb), but this chapter was already more than halfway done so I wanted to finish it first...I may still end up taking a mhb because a lot has happened and yeah...

_His anxiety always seemed to get the best of him. He can barely focus on his work on a good day, and on a bad day he can't get anything done at all, straight up having meltdowns and panic attacks and feeling so sick half the days he'd run to the bathroom to expel the contents of his stomach, unable to keep the food down when he would feel so nauseated. His fingers always seemed to tremble, he looked so scrawny and frail and thin and weak and pathetic in the mirror, and he was so livid with hatred and anger that he would just end up breaking down all over again._

_He couldn't even be righteously furious about what had happened to him without breaking down, too nervous and fearful with constant furtive glances over his shoulder and wide eyes always trailing around his dark apartment like someone would appear out of nowhere and he would be offed again to some dreary place and endure more pain until he finally snapped, or broke entirely and began just a shell of himself._

_But maybe it was already too late. Maybe he already was a hollow shell of his former self..._

_———_

After the two had finished breakfast, Izaya sought out Shinra, needing answers to the questions he couldn't bring himself to ask Shizuo. It wasn't difficult to find the doctor; he was just browsing through some of his supplies, checking that he still had enough of this and that- Izaya really had no idea and couldn't particularly find it in himself to care, especially when there were more pressing and important matters at hand. Shinra noticed him quickly, straightening up and turning towards him with a clinical smile on his face. Shizuo had stepped into a different room, before he had looked for Shinra, to take a call from his brother. Izaya hadn't minded because he had had a mission of his own in mind, and now he was standing before the doctor, who was clearly curious about what he wanted.  

"Is there something you need, Izaya?" He asked, searching Izaya's face for an answer he wouldn't find. 

"Shinra," Izaya began, but then abruptly stopped, looking away from the doctor in a moment's hesitation before glancing back and continuing. "Do you know what's up with Shizuo?"

The doctor immediately pursed his lips, before sighing and hanging his head.

"Oh God, where to even begin," he heard Shinra mutter under his breath, before the doctor looked up at him and actually answered his question. "I'm not quite sure how to explain this," the doctor amended before he continued. "But it probably has to do with the guilt he feels about what has happened, and well, his self-hatred." The doctor made a face, but it didn't last long, and he looked over at Izaya for his reaction. Izaya blinked, slowly processing the information.

"Self-hatred?" He asked, confused. His brain was unhelpful in providing him any useful information, so he had to entirely rely on Shinra for this.  Shinra looked conflicted, taking his time to respond as he mulled over several things in his mind. 

"Izaya," the doctor began gently. "Shizuo has his own problems, okay? He has dealt with feelings of self-hatred for a long time due to his insane amount of strength. The guilt about what has happened has only worsened that, I'm afraid. I hope you realize this, that he is tearing himself down because you got hurt. He blames himself for everything, and wants to shoulder all that burden by himself. Don't let him do that, please. As friends of both of you, I'm asking you to help him, Izaya. Help him like he helps you. Be there for him, and don't let him slip away from reality." 

Izaya let the words sink in silently, unsure how to react to this information, but he found himself nodding in agreement to Shinra's request. The doctor sighed softly, looking a little relieved.

"Aside from that, how are you feeling, Izaya? Have you remembered anything else?" He asked, genuinely curious. Izaya shook his head quickly, trying to stave off the flood of memories that were rushing back to him. They were the things he had already remembered about what had happened while he had been missing. Shinra must have noticed his distress because he pulled Izaya into a quick hug, and though unusual for the doctor to do so, Izaya didn't reject the comfort. At this point, he knew better than to do that. He didn't want another panic attack triggered, so he focused on the other's presence and tried to think about anything but those memories. 

"Nothing else, just...what I've already remembered." He whispered as an answer after Shinra pulled away. Izaya hadn't told the full truth, but he was too distracted by the dark memories flashing behind his eyelids that he forgot about the handful of memories of him and Shizuo together he had remembered yesterday morning. The doctor searched his face with a concerned look creasing his brows and a frown tugging at the edges of his lips.  Izaya hated this look on both Shinra and Shizuo, hated that it was his fault because he was now so fragile. 

Shinra sighed, placing a tentative hand on Izaya's shoulder as he looked at his friend with genuine concern written all over his features. "You'll get better, Izaya, you've been through a lot before, and you've gotten through it fine. You can get past this as well, you're already making progress." 

' _Am I? Am I really, though_?' Izaya wanted to ask, but instead he just gave a small, somber nod to Shinra's words of encouragement that sounded more like niceties to him than truth. He had recovered some memories that weren't related to the incidents where he'd been abducted, but that didn't mean the ' _old Izaya_ ' would come back. It was probably already too late for that; Izaya had changed and he would likely never be the same, not after what had happened. It was safe to say it was the same for Shizuo, as well. The whole thing had caused a rift between them after all, because it had made everything more complicated, more convoluted. Would it even be possible for them to fix this? He wanted to believe they could still fix this, that they could get better, but right now, he didn't see it happening anytime soon. At the same time, he also wanted to believe in Shizuo's words- that it was okay if he never remembered everything, because he really might not remember everything at this rate. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the front door open; he figured it must be Celty returning, and he must have been correct, because Shinra immediately perked up and ran to greet the visitor. Shizuo also reappeared, glancing once over towards the returned Celty and the doctor, before moving to stand near Izaya. He offered an outstretched arm to Izaya, who quietly accepted the comfort and allowed the blonde to pull him closer. 

"You okay, Izaya?" He whispered, holding Izaya tightly by his side, eyes looking back towards his two friends. Izaya felt a sting somewhere in his heart, felt a faint prickle in his eyes before he swallowed thickly, clinging to Shizuo in return, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist, for the comfort he received from it. He nodded even though he knew Shizuo wouldn't see, and hugged the man's side even more. If Shizuo noticed, he didn't comment on it, but his warm brown gaze returned back to Izaya, somber and full of emotions.

"I'm fine, Shizuo. Just tired." Izaya finally answered, voice hoarse. Shizuo looked at him worriedly, cupping a hand to his chin and very gently lifting it so Izaya was looking him straight in the eyes. "Of course you're fine, Izaya," Shizuo murmured, gaze soft and filled with affection as he lightly thumbed Izaya's cheek with the hand still holding the side of Izaya's face. "You're strong. I know you can do this. But still..." Shizuo broke off suddenly, finally breaking eye contact and once again looking at the duo still hanging around by the front door. Izaya tried to get his attention, but Shizuo was firmly distracted, and Izaya wasn't sure what was capturing his consideration. Izaya pursed his lips, seeing the way Shizuo's brows were furrowed and a light, barely noticeable frown was tugging at his lips.

"Shizuo?" He breathed, focus lifting up to Shizuo's face, taking in every minute detail as he tried to, for one, guess at what had caught Shizuo's attention, and two, what he had been going to say.  Shizuo broke away from him, turning to him apologetically. "One second, Izaya. There's just something I want to talk to Shinra about." Izaya knew Shizuo saw the face he was making, or was sure he was making, seeing as he couldn't see what expression he was making, but there most certainly was hurt in his gaze as he looked at Shizuo. 

Regardless, Shizuo turned towards the front door and padded over to the doctor and Celty, and suddenly the air turned a little colder, and a little bit harder to breathe. Izaya's legs felt weak, and he sank to the floor, burying his head in his knees as he tried to keep his breathing steady.  _ **Why**_  was he like  _this_? He **hated**  it. He hated it so, so much. Wasn't he supposed to be getting better? Was he really making any progress? Was he really heading up, ascending, or was he going straight for a downward spiral of more pain, more misery? He choked on a sob, completely unaware of what was going on around him as he got buried in the darkness of his thoughts, too troubled to snap out of it. 

He's not sure how much time passed when Shinra and Shizuo came over, shaking him by the shoulders and trying to get him to respond , but he refused. He couldn't even if he wanted to. His eyes blurred with tears, and his limbs were shaking with both exhaustion and emotional pain that had been just  _too_  much. In the end, it's surprisingly Celty who pulled him up off the floor, and pulled him into a hug. Affection from the dullahan- especially now that he remembered that she wasn't very fond of him (and probably for good reason too)- was strange in any regard, but it wasn't like he could fight it, and he didn't plan on it. He saw Shizuo out of the corner of his eye as Celty led him back to the bedroom, and the blonde had an unreadable, but clearly distressed expression stuck on his face. Shinra was whispering something into the blonde's ear, but Izaya could tell that Shizuo wasn't hearing a word of it as he stared after Izaya and Celty. 

Celty helped him sit on the bed, slipping out her PDA and typing with her speedy fingers, seeming distressed herself. 

[Izaya...I don't understand what's wrong. Why does this keep happening? Aren't you recovering? Do you know what's wrong?!] 

Izaya visibly recoiled at the words, a new pain stabbing through his chest. He let out a hollow chuckle while he wiped cold tears away from his eyes, wanting to curl up on himself and disappear from this world. 

"I wish I knew," He replied bitterly, eyes narrow and cold. "But I feel like I'm being lied to." 

Celty seemed concerned, and anxious, fidgeting from foot to foot as she typed.

[By whom? About what?]   

Izaya laughed sardonically, feeling the pain fade and be replaced by something new- hatred, and anger. Pure, unadulterated rage.

"By everyone, about everything." He answered, face twisting with the disgusting emotions he was feeling pulse beneath his skin. He wasn't sure whether the rage he felt was directed at anyone specifically, but what mattered was that it had hardened his resolve into something unwavering, that it had swept away the doubts plaguing him; he was not only going to recover, but also come back stronger. He was going to take matters into his own hands; he was going to get his memories- his sweet control- back with his own hands and then everything else could come after. It had been time for him to get his priorities straight. He would fight his dependence and ascend back to someone better than he was before. He would show the world it would take more for him to break.    

 


	18. Wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s no surprise that Izaya’s newfound anger results in a fight. But like all things nowadays, it doesn’t go how Izaya expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry I took so long to update and just sort of disappeared. I’ve been going through a lot lately and had massive writer’s block for this chapter. I wrote the rest of this chapter all today (I had only 400 smth words yesterday) and I hope to at least start on the next chapter at latest by tomorrow. I won’t promise quick updates but I hope to be better about them again. I’m sorry to say we still aren’t quite at the fluff yet and even tho this chapter was supposed to end being fluffy, it didn’t turn out like that, for which I am truly sorry. I still think it works in the grand scheme of things, it just may make this story longer. 
> 
> I’m trying to make the chapters longer still, but understand that most of my original stories only have 15000-22000 words before I stop working on them and get a new story idea so I’m not used to writing long stories or even really finishing them, but I promise to finish this if anything.
> 
> Thank you if you took the time to read this
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_Shizuo heard the sounds of a scuffle before he saw anything; it instantly put him on edge, made adrenaline pump through his veins, and he was sprinting as fast as he could, breath caught in his throat as horror and rage flooded his senses, overwhelming him. He pushed through the doors blindly, unaware of the wooden objects flying off their hinges because there were more important things to worry about- namely, Izaya. He burst into the bedroom finally, out of breath, gasping in air as if he was choking- only to be greeted to the sight of an empty bedroom, save for an injured and distressed Vorona sitting on the floor, leaning heavily against the bedpost. The window was open, the curtains flapped in the breeze, the sheets of the bed were askew. Izaya was gone._

_Vorona had turned to look at him upon his entry, eyes wide and, dare he say, apologetic._

_"I-I am so sorry, Shizuo-senpai. I couldn't fight them off, there...there was too many of them." She confessed, holding a hand to a wounded shoulder. All Shizuo could do was shake his head, chiding her and reassuring her that it wasn't her fault (because it was his), and help her up, taking her to get her injuries treated. Guilt began to chew at him; he had let his junior get hurt because of him. Another person had gotten caught up in his mess, and he hadn't been there to help her. And now?_

_He had lost Izaya. Again._

———

Celty returned back to the living room, but this time, alone. She looked from Shinra to Shizuo, and back again, fingers ready to type something, anything, but she made no move to write a single word. Tension was heavy in the air, it was almost palpable. Shinra and Shizuo exchanged wary glances, both fully aware the dullahan was upset, but weren't quite sure why. Tentatively, and before swallowing nervously, Shizuo asked, "Do you know what triggered it?", but only got what equated a glare in response. Celty finally wrote something, seeming upset.

[I don't know, he doesn't know. But he feels like we are lying to him,] and at that, she turned more towards Shizuo, clearly agitated. [Did you do something, Shizuo? Did you say something to him that could have caused this?] Shizuo shrugged helplessly in response. "I don't know, I..." He trailed off, looking off to the side, almost looking guilty. His reaction only seemed to further upset the dullahan. [I think it's time you start telling the truth, Shizuo. What the hell happened? Honestly.] Shizuo stared at his friend uselessly, before looking down towards his feet with a faint grimace crossing his face for a brief moment. 

"I don't-" Shizuo sounded frustrated himself, and maybe it was only time that one of them lashed out. But Shizuo just sighed, pinching his brows in frustration before he glanced from the doctor to Celty. "What do you want me to tell you that you don't already know? This all happened because of me, and so I'm trying to help Izaya because I _love_ him. What haven't I told him? What have I lied about?" Rather than angry or upset, Shizuo just sounded confused, as though he really had no idea about anything.

Shinra glanced over at Celty, crossing his arms before he looked over at the blonde.

"I don't know, but maybe you should ask Izaya. After all, he's the one who needs to hear the truth the most, especially from you." Shinra stated, his face utterly serious because this wasn't something that could be taken lightly. He hadn't expected Izaya to break down so suddenly and he really hoped it wasn't his fault. Maybe he shouldn't have told Izaya about Shizuo. Maybe he should have told Izaya to ask Shizuo because these two had always been notorious for never talking their problems out, it was why they could change from lovers to enemies within a day. Shinra himself wasn't sure what had ended up triggering Izaya this time, but he knew for a fact that Shizuo would have to be the one to bridge the gap this time. He would have to get Izaya to talk to him, and then cut the distance that had grown between them.

Shizuo turned his attention over to Shinra, eyes gleaming with something unidentifiable, and he nodded in defeat.

"I thought that we had made progress, Shinra, I really did. I don't know what went wrong this time. I just want Izaya, I don't care which Izaya, I just want the man I love again."

This time, it was Celty who interjected, seeming sympathetic now. She could never stay mad at Shizuo for long, not while knowing that deep down he had a kind heart.

[We know, Shizuo, we know. Go to him, and heal together. Both of you. You two need to figure this out.] Shizuo smiled at her words, even though the smile is strained at the edges and there is a pain in his eyes that had only been accumulating over time, worsened by the self-blame he battered himself with over being the reason that Izaya had been hurt so badly. Both his friends saw it, but they let him go to Izaya without a word. If there were to be anyone to confront him about it, it would be Izaya. The two of them had both been hurt in ways others couldn't begin to possibly comprehend, and Shinra was really hoping that their differences would be what would reconcile them and make them stronger people than they were before. He was certain Izaya could do it, even after seeing how changed and damaged the proud man had become, but he was more worried about Shizuo.

\---

Izaya heard a knock on his door after Celty left, and he had no doubt that it was Shizuo, even though there would be a good chance that it was Shinra, coming to check up on him after his breakdown earlier. But no, he just knew it was Shizuo, and even though he still felt a dark anger simmering beneath his skin, he uttered a cold, "Come in, Shizu-chan," and watched as the door opened and the blonde man entered the room slowly.

"Hi, Izaya," Shizuo greeted, seeming nervous. As though he had never met Izaya before. Under different circumstances, Izaya might have found it funny, but right now, he found it less than amusing. "How are you feeling?"

Izaya raised a brow at the question, a fake smirk crossing his lips. He lifted himself up from the bed, strolling towards Shizuo with an almost predatory glint in his eyes, each step purposeful. Shizuo eyed him all the while, unmoving from where he stood by the still open door.Izaya stopped a few steps away from the taller, tilting his head to side as he stared at Shizuo's face in consideration.

"Did Celty not tell you anything?" he questioned, even while knowing full well that the dullahan friend of Shizuo wouldn't have been able to keep what he said to herself. Shizuo finally met his gaze evenly, seeming calmer than before.

"Did you remember something, Izaya?" Shizuo asked instead of answering Izaya's own question. His voice was tinged with bitterness, and his eyes were hard. Izaya could barely recognize the man before him, but maybe Shizuo felt the same towards him. The thought hurt more than it should, and only served to ignite the anger still burning him from inside out. Izaya's hands curled into fists, and his smirk dropped into a frown.

"So now you're not talking to me, Shizu-chan? Was there something that I wasn't supposed to remember? Was that why you said it was okay if I never remembered everything? Is there something you're trying to hide from me? The person you claim to love?" Izaya tried to keep himself calm, but his voice rose in volume without his permission and his body started to shake with the strain of his anger. Shizuo blinked, his expression unnaturally flat and unexpressive, like his brother's rather than his own. Izaya wanted that expression to change, to show some sort of reaction to what he had said. "If I lie to you, it's to protect you." Izaya couldn't take anymore, and he just exploded,

"So you admit that you lie to me, and what? To protect me from what? From myself? From _you_? What if I don't want to be protected? All I want- All I want is to be normal again, but I can't even have that..." By the end, Izaya just broke, tears falling down his face and when he blinked through them to look at Shizuo, he was shocked to find that Shizuo was also crying. He hadn't expected the tough blonde to cry in front of him, ever.

"I'm sorry, Izaya. I'm sorry," he started whispering, looking like a cornered animal who wanted to back out the open door and flee. But he didn't, and he stepped towards Izaya, gently taking his wrists in his hands. "I didn't mean to hurt you. Please forgive me. You know I can't leave you, not now, and not ever." Izaya looked at Shizuo in disbelief, seeing the sincerity of the man's words reflect in the soft, desperate gaze that Shizuo had fixed him with. They stared at each for a long moment, before Izaya ended up throwing his arms around Shizuo, burying his face in the taller's neck and getting his last few tears all over the man's shoulder. "Why do you do this to me?" Izaya whispered quietly, upset at himself for giving in so easily because he would probably just get hurt all over again, but he just couldn't help himself when he could see the intensity of Shizuo's feelings for himself as clear as day. He didn't want Shizuo to hurt himself either, because love or not, Izaya now cared for him (again). 

"I don't know what you want me to tell you, Izaya. What do you want me to say to you? I love you, and I want you to get better just as much as you do. You know that, don't you? Why isn't that enough?" Shizuo rumbled, wrapping his arms around Izaya's waist in return. At least he had stopped crying, and so had Izaya. The smaller shook his head, his hair tickling the skin of Shizuo's neck. "I don't know, Shizuo, but I wish you would tell me the truth. I wish that you would trust me. Like I trust you," he paused as he looked at Shizuo's face, but was still unable to comprehend the face he was making. "I wish you would tell me what is going on, with you, with _us_."

Shizuo laughed, breaking the weird atmosphere that had settled between them and Izaya pulled back a bit to stare at him through half-lidded eyes. "What _is_ going on between us, Izaya? Shouldn't I be asking that? Haven't I made it clear that I love you and am trying to help you, even when you have made no indication that you feel the same thing about me?" Izaya blinked, pulling back at his words. Shizuo sighed softly, and started to turn away, but stopped at Izaya's next words,

"I don't know what I feel towards you, but I _do_ care about you, and if there's something that I can help you with-"

"You can't help me, Izaya. No one can. Not Shinra, not myself, and definitely not you." Shizuo shook his head, withdrawing from Izaya. Izaya felt his heart clench, an all too familiar anxiety, an all too familiar fear rising in his chest.

"You won't know that unless we try!" He protested, but Shizuo just shot him a look that had him freezing, his blood going cold and his voice becoming useless.

"Just leave it, Izaya. I'm here to help you, not the other way around. We're never going to be the same again, no matter how much we wish for it."

Izaya shook his head wordlessly, having no energy to fight this any longer, even though he longed to yell that Shizuo being like this wasn’t helping anything. He wished he could, and he wished he had. Shizuo walked away, walked out, and Shinra came back instead. Shizuo wasn’t there to see Izaya break into a million pieces and destroy the room around him, crying while screaming silently because every promise had been broken, and once again, his trust was crumbling into dust all because of Shizuo. Izaya just wished it was over, just wished he was back to his normal self so such a thing wouldn’t hurt him more than a knife ever could.


	19. Mend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a huge fan of how this turned out, but idk
> 
> I feel this story makes no sense anymore but idk
> 
> hope you enjoy
> 
> ~BurningSwan

_It was the lost time, where nobody really knew what happened to Izaya, when he disappeared for a week, and then just reappeared at Shinra's like he'd never been gone in the first place. But it wasn't like they hadn't figured out where he was, where he'd been. Or rather, who he was with. He'd been taken by the same people from before, still burning with vengeance as they had gone to such lengths just to drag him through hell a third time. His injuries from the second time had barely begun to heal when they were torn open all over again and the torture continued._

_At this point, the grudge was just an excuse to be cruelly sadistic and harm Izaya. Besides, they had convinced themselves that he deserved it because of his reputation and personality. If it had gone on for too much longer, they might have fully convinced Izaya himself it was simply just punishment for his sins, and they were playing God. The next thing he remembered after all the torture was someone busting into the warehouse, someone who might have been familiar had his vision not been blinded by thick blood oozing down his forehead and sticking to his dark lashes, before he had passed out._

_After that, he had woken up at Shinra's and it was all history._

_\---_

As soon as Shizuo so much as stepped out of the room Izaya was staying in, Shinra appeared before him, gaze scathing and arms crossed.

"What are you doing?" Shizuo questioned, voice smooth.

"I could ask you the same," Shinra retorted with a slight bite to his words, tilting his head towards the door Shizuo had just walked out of. In other words, towards Izaya. "Why aren't you with Izaya, Shizuo? Did it not go well?" Shinra spoke as though he already knew the answer, and in all likelihood, he did. He knew Shizuo and Izaya better than anyone, having been one of a very select amount of people to get as close to the two as he had, and it had all paid off. He could probably predict Shizuo's actions when even Izaya failed to, or at least, he could to some degree, especially in situations relating to Izaya. 

Shizuo stared at Shinra silently, his stare returned by the doctor, unrelenting. Shizuo was the first to give in, his expression softening to something a little more vulnerable. He was never good at lying to his friend. 

"It's too soon, Shinra," he sighed, ruffling his hair messily. "I was right- I can't do this right now. My being here won't do any good for Izaya until I sort out...well, some other things."

Shinra shook his head, taking a small step towards the blonde. "That's not true, Shizuo. I know that this is hard for you as well, but Izaya needs you right now, you can't abandon him again." 

"I didn't abandon him, Shinra, I never-" Shizuo broke off, his voice betraying his emotions. "I just keep hurting him without meaning to, Izaya shouldn't have to deal with that right now." The two continued their silent staring contest before Shinra’s shoulders dropped and he sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “He’ll be more hurt if you leave him again, in this state where he doesn’t remember everything that has happened.”  Shizuo trailed off, and although he had a point, Shinra didn’t want to concede that aloud. He needed Shizuo to stay, for Izaya’s sake. Izaya was not only his friend, but right now he was also his patient, and in this case, he was willing to put Izaya’s needs over Shizuo’s in a heartbeat.

“You promised him you wouldn’t leave him again.” Shinra reminded, voice becoming sharper.

Shizuo sucked in a sharp inhale, still not glancing back at the doctor. “I did, and I still plan to keep that promise, Shinra. I just can’t do it right now, I need time.”

“Yeah, and how long? How much time do you need? Because Izaya needs you right now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next-”

“I don’t know!” Shizuo snapped loudly, irritance clear in his voice. “I don’t know, okay? But I’ll come back, that’s what matters.” He walked around Shinra, stomping towards the door. Shinra clenched his fists, feeling an unusual rush of anger at his friend. “It would have been better if you two just stayed enemies,” He yelled after Shizuo, “Then none of this would have ever happened.” Before he heard the front door slam shut, he saw Shizuo half-turn back, a wry smile on his lips. “Truly, that would have been better.” And then he was out the door, leaving Shinra to deal with the mess he had created.

\---

 As soon as Shizuo was gone, the bespectacled doctor rushed to Izaya’s room, not that it was very far away, but nonetheless, he went there with a sense of panicked urgency, fearing for his patient. Upon his entry to the room, he immediately saw it in disarray, the sheets torn of the bed and thrown haphazardly across the floor, one of the dressers had somehow been knocked over with one of the drawers pulled out and kicked across the room, a picture frame or two had fallen to the ground, broken glass glittering against the carpet, and in the middle of all the chaos, Izaya was curled up on the floor, tearstained face buried in his hands, knees to his chest as he broke all over again- but this time, it wasn’t from physical abuse, and this time, it truly was Shizuo’s fault. Somehow the blonde seemed to have a knack for worsening the situation as always.   

 Shinra cautiously approached Izaya, observing his body language as he stepped closer. Izaya seemed to barely react, clearly too caught up to even pay attention to the doctor’s approach. When he was only about a step or two away, he knelt in front of Izaya, pulling the other into a hug which was left unreciprocated as Izaya just continued sobbing, curling up even smaller at Shinra’s touch. Neither of them said anything, Shinra just silently providing his comfort as he waited for Izaya to initiate the conversation, hoping for Izaya to open up to him. He was hoping that whatever had happened between Shizuo and Izaya hadn’t completely unravelled all of the progress they had made for Izaya’s recovery. After a few minutes, Izaya finally pushed Shinra away, rubbing the tears away from his face. Again, he felt such anger at how easily he got emotional, at how easily the smallest things could set him off. 

“That’s enough, Shinra, I’m fine,” He muttered gruffly, his voice still hoarse and rough from his breakdown. Shinra complied wordlessly, still keeping his gaze on Izaya. “I’m going to get my memories back, and I’m going to get better.” Izaya announced, his eyes hardening with determination and something else Shinra couldn’t identify.

Shinra straightened, getting to his feet and offering a hand down to Izaya. Izaya hesitated before accepting the help, letting Shinra assist in pulling him to his feet. He wobbled a little when he did, but Shinra was there to steady him.

“That’s good, Izaya,” Shinra commented, brushing his hands on his pants. “This is a better mindset for your recovery.” Izaya waved a hand dismissively. “I’m trying to do my best this time, Shinra. I’m sick of living like this, and my memories will help me fill in the blanks.”

Shinra smiled at his friend, glad that Izaya seemed a little more like the person he used to be. It was clear Izaya was trying to take control back over his life, and Shinra was behind him on that. He would help Izaya blaze a path back to himself, to get over all the horrible things that he had been forcefully subjected to. Maybe this would have to be the first step, and fixing his relationship with Shizuo, the next.

“Just know I am always here to support you, Izaya. Whatever you need, just tell me. I want to see you get better as well.” Shinra said, because he felt like he needed to remind Izaya of this, of the fact that he was on Izaya’s side through this. He could sense Izaya’s anger, but if that emotion could fuel his getting better, Shinra didn’t care. If Shizuo wasn’t going to stay and help mend Izaya, then Shinra would let Izaya remain angry and he would walk with Izaya on his path to recovery instead of Shizuo until the blonde decided to come back, and then they could tackle that problem, as convoluted and twisted as it was.

  “Of course, Shinra, I’m glad that you have been here for me,” Izaya’s smile was a little too razor sharp at the edges, but Shinra doesn’t care. Right now, the anger isn’t directed his way. Celty would likely not approve of this method, but Izaya’s personality was always going to make its appearance sooner or later. He just needed to have a little control over himself, to consciously make the decision that he wanted to pave the way himself. “I’m sorry for your room,” Izaya continued, gesturing to the destruction he had caused calmly. “I hope you understand.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I understand,” Shinra glanced at the time, tilting his head in consideration. “We should probably have lunch soon, do you want anything in particular?” Izaya smiled, putting a hand to his chin.

“Can you get me Russian Sushi? I’ll stay here and wait.” Izaya followed Shinra as he walked towards the kitchen. Celty re-appeared, and she seemed confused to just see the two of them.

[Where’s Shizuo?] She showed the PDA to Shinra only, having the sense to figure that it might not be best to ask that to Izaya. If Shizuo was gone, or their talk hadn’t gone well, it could set Izaya off again. Shinra pointed to the front door, and Celty managed to understand what he meant somehow. “I’m going out to get Izaya lunch, can you stay here with him? He doesn’t want to come with.” Shinra asked, grabbing his wallet and keys as he walked towards the door. [Oh, sure. Was everything alright? I thought I heard some yelling and stuff earlier?]

Shinra chuckled and smiled. “Well, we’ll have to clean the guest room, but other than that, there’s nothing really to worry about right now.” Celty’s shoulders slumped in relief. [That’s good. I’ll stay here with Izaya, so don’t worry.]

“Thanks, Celty. I’ll be back soon.” Shinra disappeared out the front door, leaving Celty standing there awkwardly as Izaya went to sit down on the couch, turning on the TV.  The noise from the TV filled the room, but the heavy atmosphere remained. There was an unspoken tension Celty couldn’t identify, but she could only hope that things would shake out, watching Izaya closely as he boredly flipped through channels. Hopefully, Izaya would only be on the mend and not relapse, ruining all the progress he had made. 


	20. Rewind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long, I kept changing the style I wanted to have for this chapter (things like whether it should just focus on Izaya, or both, and whether it should have a flashback or not)
> 
> Regardless, I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~BurningSwan

No matter how hard Izaya tried, he couldn't focus on the TV screen, his vision randomly blurring and refocusing. There was a pounding in his head, a sound that seemed all too familiar. When he looked down and away from the television, he saw his hands were shaking, grappling with each other as though he were nervous. Celty seemed distracted on her PDA, typing furiously, and Izaya wanted to laugh, but found he couldn't.

_"Remember, Orihara Izaya. This is all Shizuo's fault."_

_"But don't forget you deserve this."_

_You deserve this._

_You deserve this._

_You-_

[Izaya!!] The raven finally snapped out of it when the dullahan shoved her PDA in his face, one hand shaking him by the shoulder. He gazed up at Celty, hearing his quiet, but labored breaths fill the silence of the room. He chuckled at Celty's concern, shoving his hands out of sight so she wouldn't seem them trembling if she hadn't already. He smiled at her, a forced smile where his eyes crinkled a little and his muscles were tight.

"What's the matter, Celty? I was just a little lost in thought, nothing more." He questioned, voice cool but still betraying a slight tremble against his  
will. The dullahan seized him by both shoulders, looking down at him while smoke plumed out of her neck in distress.

[Why do you feel the need to lie to me, Izaya? You may be Shinra's patient, but he doesn't have to be the only one to help you.] Celty seemed very serious, letting go of his shoulders and crossing her arms. Izaya looked away from her, annoyance seeping into his veins.

"Like Shizu-chan?" He queried rhetorically, tone venomous. He continued before the dullahan could finish typing out her next thought, "I suppose we'll always remain enemies at heart." His lips curled into a momentary sneer before dropping into a faint frown. He saw Celty's arm pause out of the corner of his eye, before she started deleting whatever thought she had been typing out before and writing something else in replacement. But Izaya didn't see the message, he didn't even look at it, the beginnings of a memory washing over him and leaving him spaced out.

———

_"I can't believe you did this! Why are you being like this now?" For once, Izaya's anger was written all over his face, showing just how much he was upset that he would let his real feelings slip through the masks he always wore. Shizuo followed after him as he stormed into Izaya's apartment. Izaya whirled around to face him, crossing his arms expectantly. "Being like what? What are you on about, Izaya? I don't understand you."Shizuo mimicked Izaya's expression, irritance already pulsing under his skin. It was the middle of summer and the heat was beginning to get to him, especially since he was outside so often._

_Izaya stared at him, disbelief etching itself across his features. "You can't be serious, Shizu-chan," Shizuo noticed the change in address, and he all but growled at Izaya for it. He thought they were past that when it was just the two of them. "You're really going to play dumb, now? Do I have to spell it out for you?"_

_Shizuo almost rolled his eyes in annoyance, but refrained. He didn't know what had Izaya so wound up, but he didn't really want to make the situation worse. He had seen Izaya genuinely mad, and it could be downright terrifying. In fact, it_ **_was_ ** _downright terrifying, and he'd rather not bear the brunt of his anger. "Just tell me, Izaya. You're the one always insisting I have zero brain cells, and now you're acting like you expected otherwise." Izaya almost laughed, almost joked that Shizuo was admitting to having zero brain cells, but he didn't._

 _"You were really pushing the limit today, Shizu-chan," Izaya drawled, eyes fixed on Shizuo's face. Shizuo raised a brow questioningly, but waited for Izaya to elaborate. "It sure seemed like you really were trying to kill me, going all out like that when you already knew I was injured." Shizuo blinked in disbelief, unable to help himself when he groaned out, "That's what this is about?". He immediately regretted it at Izaya's cold look, but he couldn't help the feeling of indignation he felt rising within himself. Izaya was just overreacting to the situation for whatever reason, which, that in and of itself was very odd, but what was perhaps more concerning to Shizuo was that his own boyfriend was trying to make him out to be the bad guy in all of this. Izaya narrowed his eyes, creating more distance between himself and Shizuo. "Yes, that is what_ **_this_ ** _is all about." He answered sharply, looking at Shizuo challengingly._

 _"Izaya, that's- that isn't- you're the one who wants to keep us a secret from everyone, you're the one who doesn't want anyone to know. If I acted differently, we both know it could put you in jeopardy. I_ **_had_ ** _to do this, Izaya, or else people might start catching on. You're the one who doesn't want that, I'm only helping you prevent that from happening." Shizuo shook his head in annoyance, frustration seeping into his voice and making him unconsciously speak louder. Izaya laughed bitterly. "So you're just going to make this my fault? You make it sound like I'm completely paranoid about people finding out, and like I said that just for my sake. Are you really okay with everyone knowing that you're dating someone you have always claimed to hate?"_

_“We've talked about this before, Izaya. I made an offer to you, and you were the one who declined it, because of your job. You're the one who didn't want to leave. For how long are we going to keep pretending to hate each other in public? Till the day we die? Because I don't want to do that."_

_"Pretending to hate each other? Oh, Shizu-chan, why do you always pretend to be the rational one of the two of us? It sure didn't seem like '_ **_pretending_ ** _' when you tried to kill me." Izaya scoffed, and Shizuo frowned. "What are you trying to say, Izaya? I wasn't trying to kill you, and you know that."_

 _"That maybe we need some space, and time. Maybe then you'll realize that you're lying to me. And no, I don't know that you weren't trying to kill me, because it sure seemed like that was your plan. To take advantage of my temporary weakness and off me before I became too much of a liability to you." Silence stretched between them, Shizuo just staring blankly at Izaya as though he didn't recognize him. "I'm sorry, what?" He breathed out, his hands clenching to fists at his sides. Izaya took in a slightly shaky breath before his expression flattened, a mask slipping back into place. "Until you decide you don't want to kill me anymore, I think we should just put_ **_this_ ** _all on hold. This_ **_relationship_ ** _."_

_Shizuo set his jaw, eyes hardening. "Fine," he bit out, and Izaya held back a scowl. "Maybe I'll come back when you stop overreacting. I should have never asked you to go with me in the first place."_

_"You're right, you shouldn't have, because I wasn't going to go with you in the first place." Izaya retorted, not letting Shizuo have the last word. Shizuo just scowled at him and then strutted over to the front door of the apartment, tearing the door off its hinges with how hard he yanked it open. He tossed it carelessly off to the side and stormed out of the apartment, leaving Izaya standing in the middle of it, wondering what the hell he just did. Now that Shizuo was gone, he felt his mask breaking all over again and his face contorted with foreign feelings, still suppressing the wave of emotions that welled up in his eyes. He scowled at himself for his own reaction, he didn't understand either why he was suddenly being so sensitive, but he had almost been badly injured by Shizuo, and for whatever reason, that had really upset him. But he hadn't expected Shizuo to so calmly agree to taking a break in their relationship, even more so because Shizuo had seemed almost happy to comply. Maybe he had already gotten sick of Izaya, maybe he had decided that it had been stupid of them after all to start dating in the first place, maybe he had decided he would take that trip on his own. Maybe it was just all part of some sick plan._

_He wished it was just that easy- that they could just be together without any complications, without any secrets, but he knew he could only ever wish. Their relationship just always seemed to complicate itself all on its own, but he knew it was their fault- both his fault and Shizuo's. He had wanted to keep everything a secret, for both their sakes, but Shizuo hadn't exactly been on board with that, though he hadn't done anything to change it. The only people who knew about their current relationship was Shinra and Celty, because they would never be able to hide it from them._

_But right now, he had to consider how he would reconcile this situation. If only they could rewind time and fix all the moments things went wrong between them, that would make Izaya's job so much easier. Seeing how pissed off Shizuo had been, he doubted Shizuo would approach him first_ _—_

"Izaya, what's the matter?" He barely even registered the voice, his mind still clinging to the fading memory. "Hey, Izaya!"

He gasped when someone grabbed his shoulder firmly, snapping out of his daze. His head whipped around, eyes trailing up the arm on his shoulder to meet Shinra's concerned gaze from behind the doctor's glasses. Izaya's body is frozen as he realized what had just happened, the memory still somewhat staying in his mind. For some reason, he is almost completely certain that the 'fight' had happened shortly before he'd been kidnapped the first time, and suddenly things made a little more sense. He stood abruptly, startling the doctor (he had to vaguely wonder where Celty had wandered off to) and waved him off, heading towards the front door with heavy assurance to his steps.

"Where are you going, Izaya?" Shinra called after him cooly, slowly following after him. When Izaya looked back, he noticed the Russia Sushi bag on the coffee table, a reminder of the time and of his own hunger, and he hesitated for a moment, sudden anxiety running through him when he glanced back at the front door and thought about stepping outside. How could he forget that the world out there was dangerous and unpredictable? He breathed in deeply, turning back to face Shinra fully. His shoulders dropped ever so slightly, and he tilted his head to the side. "Nowhere." He answered, and walked back over to Shinra, then past him to grab the bag of food and set it on the kitchen table. He sat down, casually unpacking its contents as though nothing had just happened. Shinra watched him silently, carefully, and then:

"Izaya, you remembered something," He said as a statement and not a question. Izaya nodded. "What was it?"

Izaya picked up a pair of chopsticks, fiddling around with a piece of sushi before popping it into his mouth. His eyes finally trailed up to look at Shinra, and a cruel smile crossed his face.  

 “Something important. Something  _very_ important.” He purred, voice saccharine. 


	21. Rest

Shizuo stared down at his phone wordlessly, eyes trailing over the text displayed across the small little screen. After abruptly leaving Shinra and Celty's apartment, he had ended up at a bit of a loss of whom he could turn to for advice, because he knew he needed it, and  _badly._  Sure, there was always Celty and Vorona, but they'd be too inclined to be biased, too involved in the mess with Izaya as it was. Which is why he had somehow found himself texting Celty for a way to get in contact with whomever it was that had helped Izaya during the other incident, the smoker, because if Celty had trusted him or her enough to ask for his or her help, he or she must be someone extraordinary. And now here he was, standing in front of an apartment door, a cigarette dangling loosely from his lips as he flickered his lighter to the unburnt tip to light the stick.

He finally heard footsteps and the door was unlocked, cracked open just a titch as a dark-haired woman peered out from behind it. For a second, the two just stared each other down, both seeming shocked to see the other; Shizuo, because he hadn't quite expected the helper to be like this, and the other, because she hadn't quite expected Heiwajima Shizuo to be personally paying her for a visit. The silence stretched on for a moment before Shizuo broke it first with:

"Can I talk to you? There's something I want to discuss with you." To his surprise, the woman just raised a brow and silently waved him inside, shutting the door behind him carefully. She swept into the kitchen, setting on some tea before she glanced back over to her guest, who was still lingering in the hallway.

"To be honest, I didn't exactly think I would run into you, but after getting involved with Izaya, maybe I should have considered this possibility," the tea began to hiss, so she took the pot off the stove, pouring two cups while looking pensive. "I can only think that you're here because of something to do with him, huh?" She brought the mugs over, handing one to Shizuo before returning to bring out a container of honey and then offering it to her guest. Shizuo thanked her, nodding quietly along to her words before he decided to answer. They both settled in the living room, the woman in an armchair and Shizuo on the couch.

"Well, since you brought it up, for one thing, why did you help Izaya? Do you not hate him or hold some grudge against him?" Shizuo questioned, genuinely curious even if this wasn't the real reason he had sought out this woman.  He cleared his throat, feeling a little awkward, “On another note, thank you for all of your help, seriously. Even if I don’t know your reasons...I just realized I didn’t catch your name, um?” 

“Oh, well, I was the one who didn’t introduce myself,” she paused to take a sip of her tea. “Takizawa Amaya, it’s nice to meet you,” she held out her hand, and Shizuo shook it, uttering the same pleasantry. “And as for holding a grudge or not holding a grudge, I didn’t help Izaya because of him. I did it because Celty asked me to, other people might call us friends, but I’d say we’re more of acquaintances. Aside from that,” she raised a brow at him. “That doesn’t seem to be the reason you are here, right?”

“Actually, yes,” Shizuo agreed, nodding slightly. “I...came for advice, about Izaya and our relationship.”

Amaya seemed surprised at that, almost choking on her sip of tea, and she set down her cup to look at him closely, suspicion concealed behind the dark of her eyes. “You’re here for advice...on your relationship,” she repeated slowly, as though she still couldn’t believe it. Shizuo wasn’t sure why she seem so taken aback by his statement. Sure, maybe it was a little out of the ordinary, but he didn’t have many options and Amaya had been willing to save Izaya, even if Celty was the one who asked her to. “How do you expect me to help?”

Shizuo scratched his nape nervously, a sheepish smile crossing his face. “Well, I just thought talking with someone who wasn’t close with either of us would be able to help me find a solution.” Amaya seemed to relax as he spoke, and a soft smile even crossed her face. “I see, I don’t know how helpful I’ll be, but if you’re at a standstill, I may be able to help you with whatever is troubling you.” Shizuo nodded gratefully, also relaxing. Amaya seemed trustworthy, if a little sketchy, but he was used to people like that after knowing Izaya for so long. “Thank you,” he said sincerely, sparing a slight smile before he continued, “It’s just right now, I’m very conflicted. Izaya and I...we’ve fought all the time in the past, but after what’s happened, I just don’t know what to do.”    
  
“What do you mean?” Amaya questioned, tilting her head and pursing her lips. Shizuo sighed, unsure how to phrase his thoughts sensibly. “You’ve probably figured this out, but we’ve been keeping our relationship a secret for various reasons and that has often been a source of tension between us. I was getting frustrated with having to keep up the act just so no one would find out. And then, now we both have personal issues going on, Izaya is trying to regain his memories, and as for me, well–” He broke off with a frown. For a moment, he became overwhelmed by the situation, a surge of memories rushing to the forefront of his mind, and the majority of them were all centered on the so-called downs of their relationship. Amaya seemed to sense something was wrong, and out of seemingly nowhere, she produced a cigarette, offering it out to him along with a lighter. He took them both gratefully, wordlessly, too aware of his public presence to question her offer.  

“Well, it’s always hard to keep secrets, especially when you’re hiding them from the people you love,” she lit a stick of her own as Shizuo indulged in his. “And in your case, I can imagine that was both frustrating and stressful, since you both have to maintain the pretense that you still hate each other.”  

“Sometimes, I think he still does.” Shizuo muttered under his breath, and Amaya looked at him sympathetically. “I’m sure it’s also a huge weight on you when he doesn’t remember everything, especially if it caused fights or misunderstandings between you two,” Shizuo’s wince was all she needed to confirm that theory. “But I don’t understand what your dilemma is other than that. That’s not something I can help you with, and I’m certain that a fight or two is not the reason why you would seek me out. There’s something more than that, right? Perhaps whatever it is you are keeping to yourself?” Shizuo sighed, his shoulders sagging at her words. “Is what I’m doing that bad?” Amaya raised a brow curiously, but waited for him to elaborate. “I don’t want to burden Izaya with more problems when he is in such a delicate situation, and considering how rocky our relationship has been in the past, I don’t want my own issues to be a source of conflict between us.”  

Amaya tilted her head to the side, removing her cigarette from her lips with two fingers. “So shouldn’t you be with him during this time? I’d assume you wouldn’t want anything like those incidents to happen again, especially considering how taxing the ones that actually happened have been for him. I feel bad for him, even if he isn’t the greatest person in the world that doesn’t justify the cruelty done against him in the name of revenge.” She shook her head as a look of disgust crept across her face like a shadow.

“That’s the thing...I don’t think I can stay around him right now, not because of him, but because of me. Now more than ever, I’m conflicted on what the right course of action is. I do love Izaya, but right now, I don’t really know if he feels the same way, and this sort of tense relationship with him has not done me any good, and I’m sure it’s the same for him.”

“You want someone to tell you whether to stay with him right now or not, is that it?” Amaya took another drag of her cigarette, tapping off its ashes in an ashtray while almost looking disinterested. “I’m not sure what it is that you are dealing with that is causing you so much inner turmoil, but I think for as much as Izaya likely needs you right now, you might also need some more time to yourself, or rather, I think you should see someone, like a therapist if that is the sort of issue you are alluding to. Obviously, I’m not trying to pry that sort of private information out of you, but if you want my advice, there it is. I’m not an expert, which is why I think you should consider getting professional help if this is bothering you so much, but as I said, I don’t know what  _it_ is.”

Amaya put out her cigarette and gave Shizuo a critical look that spoke for itself. Shizuo gave a slight incline of his head in acknowledgement. “I’ll...think about it. Thank you for listening to me.” Amaya waved a hand dismissively. “I think it’s a good thing if you’re taking the time to rely on others and listen to them than to make reckless decisions that could make things worse. I do hope you work everything out with Izaya, and yourself, it seems like. Take care of yourself, for Izaya’s sake, at the least.”

“Again, thank you. I won’t forget your kindness and hospitality, you’ve helped both me and Izaya. But, I’ll be going now.”

“Of course, goodbye, Heiwajima-san.”

––– 

Shizuo left Amaya’s place with a lot on his mind to consider. He figured the woman had made good points about the situation even if he had been sparse about the details. Normally, he was a straightforward person but there was two topics in particular that he felt more uncomfortable talking about than others. Regardless, he still hadn’t quite come to a decision on what he was going to do next. Amaya had said that Izaya needed him, which had indirectly reminded him of his promise to Izaya, but she had also seemed to suggest that maybe he needed to sort himself out first. But that seemed to ignore Izaya’s current situation to an extent, after all, Shizuo wasn’t quite sure how Izaya felt about everything, and he had even less of an idea of what Izaya was thinking now more than ever. Of course, he wanted to make the best decision, but he didn’t know what the was. Should he go back to Izaya, or wait a little longer and go seek help, as Amaya had suggested?

He didn’t want his own darkness to be a cause of toxicity between him and Izaya, especially when Izaya was so vulnerable and emotional. As much as he hoped that Izaya, without his old memories wouldn’t notice it, he should have know that that wouldn’t have been the case. Izaya was too perceptive for his own good. Shizuo sighed, resolving that he would try to talk to someone one more time before returning back to Shinra and Celty’s apartment. He couldn’t think of a better plan for the moment, and he knew that he would have to go back to Izaya soon enough.


End file.
